Butterfly Kisses
by Pikachumaniac
Summary: As DiZ and Riku prepare for Sora’s awakening and the defeat of Organization XIII, Riku finds himself being haunted by a familiar figure. For even with no powers left, Zexion still knows how to exploit his every weakness. Riku x Zexion. Complete.
1. Opening Act

Final Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts is the creation of Squeenix.

Butterfly Kisses – As DiZ and Riku prepare for Sora's awakening and the defeat of Organization XIII, Riku finds himself being haunted by a familiar figure. For even with no powers left, Zexion still knows his every weakness. Riku x Zexion.

This fic takes place between Chain of Memories and Kingdom Hearts II, and tries to follow canon enough that it leads into KH2 without too much deviation. Besides the entire Zexion being alive thing (I don't care what you think; I like my Zexy-baby _**alive**_). It works off the idea that in Chain of Memories, the Riku Replica did absorb Zexion's powers but did not actually manage to kill him. It also takes the 'Zexion being surprisingly domestic' idea to a delightfully absurd extreme, although that might be because I've started to get a little more domestic myself (sweatdrop).

As for the entire coupling thing… um, I don't really know if it makes sense, but the story is less about the coupling than the interaction between the two characters. Or at least that's what I tell myself to stave off the guilt.

Also, when I first started this fic, it was supposed to be a one-shot. It didn't take me long to realize that it would be pushing 20,000 words minimum, so I split it up into sections. I personally would have preferred to make it one nice long story, but then I thought a 20,000 word one-shot was pushing the limits of people's patience. So this story will be in parts. Because it ended up being over 38,000 words, and I don't think anyone wants to read a 38,000 word one-shot.

And lest we forget, many, many thanks to Coffee-Flavored Fate for beta-reading this for me. Thank you for allowing me to delude myself into thinking that maybe I'm not as crazy as I probably am for writing this fic.

**Rated T for language, violence, emo angsting, and random bouts of domesticity.**

**I. Opening Act**

Riku is not exactly what one would call a forgiving person, considering his tendency to obsess over past mistakes. It's a trait that's usually at its best when turned against himself (but not without good reason, of course), which explains why he spends so much time being emo and angst-ridden.

As it turns out, Riku is not the kind of person to discriminate, and so he applies this lack of mercy to everyone else too. Especially when it comes to those who have wronged him, Riku finds that it is much harder to forgive than to forget, and frankly he's not too good at doing the latter either.

This casual aside into a tortured hero's mental psyche goes a ways into explaining why Riku is so damn upset when DiZ returns. But it is not as much DiZ's appearance that upsets him as the fact that the strange, revenge obsessed man is accompanied not by Naminé, as he had expected, but with a familiar somebody (Nobody) else slung over one caped shoulder. Although really, considering Riku's expression, upset seems a delicate way of putting it.

"Where's Naminé?" he demands as he springs to his feet. He regrets this hastiness when, a split-second later, his legs give way and he nearly topples over. This is not surprising, considering how he _had_ been sitting there for quite a while, apparently long enough for his feet to fall asleep. More interesting was his failure to notice that tingling sensation caused by lack of blood circulation, although that can be explained either as shock at DiZ's companion or because of his deep brooding. Possibly even a combination of the two. Thus the spectacular near-fall on his face, as his feet had not taken the sudden movement with grace and enacted swift revenge in the form of his upper body almost having a brief love affair with the dusty hardwood floor.

But even his humiliation is not enough to cover for the anger, or maybe it's the other way around. He doesn't really have time for such petty details, seeing how he needs to concentrate on glaring at the gray-haired Nobody that had not so very long ago been taunting him with Sora's images and his own insecurities, of which there are many. He thoughtfully ignores the fact that his insecurities are his fault and his alone, as well as the Nobody's current state of unconscious bliss that renders it rather incapable of noticing his fearsome glare, complete with awesome, dagger-like forces. No, all of that is _completely_ beside the point as he gestures angrily at the Nobody, "And what's_that_ doing here?"

DiZ sighs with the air of someone who has been anticipating an inevitable argument with an unreasonable idiot, and he speaks to Riku as if he is a particularly insufferable child who still believes in Santa Claus (ha, as _if_), "Now Riku, be reasonable."

"Don't 'Now Riku' me!" Riku shoots back like a mature eight-year old. "You were supposed to bring back Naminé! Not that… thing! Why did you even bring it here?"

Riku likes to think that this is a perfectly logical question to ask, seeing how Zexion is a member of Organization XIII. Which, as DiZ and King Mickey had explained to him in excruciating detail, was made up of dangerous and psychotic beings with no hearts, no feelings, and no morality. As well as no fashion sense considering their uniform, but again, completely beside the point. But from the picture the two had painted, Riku had been under the impression that they were supposed to be getting _rid_ of these threats against the worlds, not bringing them home as if they were lost puppies left out in the rain (Riku _would_ know about abandoned strays). And judging from his own experiences, Nobodies made as good a pet as a rabid skunk named Fido.

Yet here it is, regardless of the threat it so clearly is. But what is clear to Riku is apparently not so to DiZ, which is testament to the man's decidedly convoluted thought process. Not that _that's_ anything new… just look at those bandages! Didn't his face get_itchy_?

"If you are worried that he will be causing problems, you have nothing to fear," DiZ replies calmly as he heads for the stairs. The words might have been soothing if it was not for the fact that DiZ has a voice which reminds Riku of Tolkein's Saruman, mass murderer of men, elves, dwarves, trees, and innocent butterflies. And no, he doesn't know why he associates the two; he just _does_. "He seems to have completely lost his powers over the darkness. Almost as if… someone has taken them from him. It was really quite peculiar. He seemed as surprised as I that he was still alive."

"But that doesn't answer my question," Riku whines, following DiZ up the main stairs as they make their way through the dusty mansion. He nearly screams when a spider tries to make a nest in his hair, but calmer heads prevail in favor of continuing his complaining. "_Why_ did you bring him here? What purpose can he serve?"

"I could not very well let him return to the Organization, could I?" is the reasonable response as DiZ pushes open a door to what seems to be a library. It's a little hard to tell since Riku is too busy staring at the bust of what seems to be a deformed unicorn, and is only brought back to this reality when DiZ continues, "Powerless or not, it is still trouble that we do not need. Open this door now, will you?"

He blinks, "What door?"

DiZ makes a soft sound of impatience. "I thought you would have better utilized the time I gave you to explore this place. It seems that I was mistaken."

Riku can only shrug irritably at the disapproving tone like the rebellious teenager that he is, and immediately regrets it when DiZ says, "Take him."

"I'm not-" Riku starts, but freedom of choice is apparently not high on DiZ's list of priorities as the Nobody is unceremoniously dumped into his arms. He expects to stagger beneath its weight, preparing for another humiliating fall, but Zexion is peculiarly insubstantial. Riku finds this strange, considering how Zexion is taller than him. Not by much, granted, but still taller.

As DiZ heads for the desk in the center of the room, Riku glares at the Nobody and debates dropping it. Except that would just be petty, and Riku isn't that petty. Sure, he might have a tendency of flaunting his superiority over lesser beings, taking innocent people hostage, and mocking his victims when they're down… but dropping unconscious people? That's a whole different level.

Except… Zexion isn't _actually_ a person. He's a Nobody. So _technically_….

As if reading his mind, DiZ says curtly, "Don't drop him."

The man _has_ to be psychic. There is no other explanation for that remark, as for all intents and purposes DiZ seems to be concentrating fully on defacing the desk with crayons.

"I wasn't going to," he lies through his teeth.

"Hm."

He's about to ask what _that_ is supposed to mean, but his mouth is not fully open when the ground suddenly begins to pull away, revealing a staircase. DiZ goes down it with the air of having done so millions of times before, but Riku hesitates. He can't be the only person who's heard the stories about people who went down mysterious staircases, stories which usually ended in those same people becoming mangled carcasses?

Riku covers for the pause (his fear) by shifting the Nobody so that it is easier to carry, but still there is something seriously, _seriously_ wrong with the picture. The blue-green gray of the walls seem to glow with their own eerie light, contrasting sharply with the soft glow of the perpetually setting sun. The doorway that seems to lead to darkness itself is not getting his voice of confidence.

But he can't stand there forever, and he takes the first step. And then the next, and the next, until the mahogany walls and monstrous unicorn bust are quite out of sight.

He tells himself that it is all for the greater good. He tells himself that it is for _Sora_.

Riku wonders if it's a bad sign that the mantra is almost not enough. He settles for telling himself that almost is better than simply '_not_'.

* * *

"So are you going to tell me what's going on?" he asks as he sets the Nobody down in the spot DiZ has indicated. As soon as he steps back DiZ punches in rapid commands at the computer with multiple screens, and there is the soft hum of energy before a glass barrier comes down, seemingly out of nowhere. Actually, it wouldn't take much effort to just… look up and see where it came from, but Riku's too busy staring. It looks almost like a giant test tube, and considering DiZ's personality, it is not a leap of imagination to think of Zexion as the vaguely interesting test subject. The comparison is disturbing, but Riku keeps his mouth shut. Regardless of the circumstances, he is still relieved by the barrier, although he'd feel even better if the Nobody was anywhere but here.

"Will an explanation convince you to cease your attempts to maim him?" DiZ replies, his voice mild.

"… maybe." DiZ stares at him, expressionless—which isn't saying much since it's hard to see expressions under all those bandages anyway—until he scowls and throws up his hands. "_Fine_. Yes."

"Good." The man leans back in his chair, hands folded in his lap. For one crazy moment, Riku almost feels like he's six again, about to hear a story from his grandfather. Except back then, sitting next to him would have been Sora, eyes bright with anticipation. Not the Nobody collapsed on the ground, unaware of its surroundings. Plus his grandfather's eyes most certainly did not burn with such overwhelming hatred and anger, tempered only by the great sadness that flickered in and out surreptitiously. "As I was saying, I found him when I returned to Castle Oblivion with the intent of bringing Naminé here. This, of course, you already know. To my surprise, she was not alone."

Riku starts to speak but DiZ holds up a hand to stop him before he continues, "I am not certain of the circumstances of how she found him, and she could not explain his… pitiable condition. I do not suppose you could fill in that particular detail?"

He frowns, shrugging slightly, "I cut through one of its illusions." He chooses not to specify what that illusion was; it's not a matter of trust but more of… himself. Because truth be told, he is not completely over what transpired in that false Destiny Islands, and he is unsure if he ever will be. "It looked like I hurt it pretty badly in the process, but it was far from dead when it escaped."

"Hm," DiZ glances over at the unconscious figure. "So he still had his powers?"

"Well, yeah. I'm pretty sure Soul Eater doesn't take away powers." Granted, he doesn't know the exact properties of his own weapon. Still, he's pretty sure it's isn't capable of _that_; hopefully he would have noticed earlier if it was.

DiZ's gaze is still on the Nobody as he says slowly, "Judging from what you say, his injuries seem far deeper than what you inflicted. Something must have happened between then and when Naminé found him, although she had little to tell except that he was the only other person left in the Castle. I then decided that it would be best to bring him here. I believe he will be of some use to our plans."

"How so?" Riku can feel the anger start to fade, although he still resents the Nobody's presence. But the practical part of him realizes that it is best not to waste his anger on it when there are bigger things at stake, and anyway if he hadn't been so weak in the first place, Zexion would not have been able to throw him so off-guard.

"You'll see." The explanation is completely unsatisfactory, but Riku knows from his tone that the subject is closed. DiZ stands, making his way for the exit to the upper levels of the mansion, "There is no time to waste. I know you are upset, but I assure you that I am not doing this on a whim. You must trust me on this point."

He doesn't reply. They both know that trust isn't an issue here. Their relationship was never built on trust; it came from a mutual need for each other's services. Still, there is almost a soft plea in DiZ's voice, one that Riku might have just imagined but he nods anyway. Because despite how much DiZ disturbs him with his single-minded plots for revenge, there is something about the man that asks, very quietly, for sympathy as well. Whether or not it is actually deserved is a different story.

"Then for now, I must ask you to stand guard and make sure that he does not try to do anything foolish when he awakens. I myself must immediately return to Castle Oblivion and bring back Naminé; we need no more delays."

"You really think its powers are gone?" Riku asks, eyeing Zexion skeptically. It's not that he can't handle the Nobody, but he does happen to remember how quickly it had managed to escape back at Oblivion. Riku had barely had the time to comprehend what was happening before the Nobody was gone, although what he would have done is a question mark. Perhaps a part of him was relieved that he did not have to make that decision, despite the hostility he feels. Anyway, the point is that if DiZ is wrong and the Nobody does still have its powers, Riku won't be able to stop it from making another one of those dark portals and running off again. And seeing how that seems to be the opposite of what DiZ wants, he would like to be sure.

"Quite certain," DiZ assures, with a hint of cold satisfaction. "I am afraid that I am the reason why he is currently unconscious. When he saw me he tried to escape, but found that he could not get far without his powers. Still, he was not quite pleased to see me, and I had to subdue him through force."

It takes everything in him not to shudder at DiZ's cool explanation, and he is only glad that the man is no longer facing him. He does not want to see the cruel indifference in those disturbing eyes. "Fine. I'll watch over it."

"My apologies for placing you in this situation," DiZ replies, although the words seem perfunctory at best. "But Riku, do remember. Should he wake up before I return, try not to get caught up in his falsehoods again."

He blinks. "How did you-?"

"I didn't." DiZ turns to face him, and the expression is both angry and sad. Vengeful, yet so desperately, _desperately_ longing, as if remembering a good memory gone sour. "But Ienzo always did have such a way with words."

And with that oh-so-cryptic remark, DiZ takes his leave.

* * *

Zexion says nothing when it awakens, and it takes Riku a while to even notice that Zexion is staring at him through the glass. It had been a little disconcerting, to say the least, to casually turn around and see that one dark blue eye glaring at him, the other hidden behind gray hair.

He probably could have reacted better, 'reacted better' being defined as anything _but_ screaming like a little girl and falling out of DiZ's chair. Okay, so that was a bit of an exaggeration; he didn't scream so much as yelp when he fell onto the ground, and in his defense he had been sitting off-balance.

Riku isn't sure if he should be glad that Zexion takes no amusement from his plight. The Nobody's expression doesn't change in the slightest during this little display, as if it isn't even watching Riku. But when he stands its eyes follow him as if he's a tasty rabbit.

But last he checked Zexion isn't a vampire, and he fights back his fear (if that is what it is) to stand up to the glass, arms folded. If he was smart, he'd walk away. If he had any sense worth mentioning of, he'd pretend that nothing has changed. Zexion doesn't seem particularly interested in talking anyway, but something in him goads him to speak. Some part of him just doesn't want to sit here in silence, trying to outglare someone who won that contest a long time ago.

"So you want to tell me what happened?"

Zexion eyes him, face still devoid of emotion. There's a lovely bruise blossoming on its forehead; probably something to do with DiZ's 'subdue through force' bit. And just when Riku thinks that the conversation is dead before it has even started, the Nobody shrugs and says shortly, "It was Axel. He set the Replica on me."

He has never heard of this Axel, but the mention of his Replica made him go cold. Their near-death battle, the final blow, the pitiful look in eyes that couldn't really feel but couldn't really stop from trying either. Not truly real, but not truly false, so desperate for humanity that it had been willing to throw away all vestiges of morality in the process.

Had it really been that different from himself?

_"So… this is the end. Figures. But I'm not afraid. Good riddance to an artificial life. I never had a real heart. Even what I'm feeling now is probably fake."_

_What are you feeling?_

Why did he even ask?

_"What happens when someone who's not real dies? Where will my heart go? That is, if it doesn't disappear completely…"_

_It'll go somewhere. Probably the same place my heart will go._

Empty words. The Replica had agreed, and he remembered a twisted half-smile as it started to fade.

_"Heh… how original. Oh, well."_

The words had not been satisfactory for either of them, but Riku pushes aside his self-hatred long enough to remember the rest of the conversation he'd had with his counterpart. Before the battle, when he had been too jittery to really comprehend what was being said. And even if he had, he probably would have passed them off as craziness, since they had made no sense to him.

Until now, anyway.

_"I thought by finding some new strength I could be someone, someone who's not you! But nothing changes… I'm still just empty! Everything about me is borrowed. As long as you're around, I'll never be anything better than a shadow!"_

… oh. He blinks at Zexion. So that's what the Replica meant by 'new strength' and 'borrowing'.

"It took your powers, didn't it?" he asks, comprehension dawning.

"Yes," Zexion replies flatly, looking down at its hand. Its expression is empty but the barest hint of contempt. "It should have killed me as well. Or barring that, VIII would have. But I should have known that Axel was never one for following through."

"Um." Yeah, he has absolutely no clue what the hell that means, but then Zexion doesn't really seem to be speaking to him anyway. He scratches his head nervously, "So, this… absorption thing. Think it's permanent?"

Zexion looks up at him. It looks rather irritated as it says, "I would not know. Needless to say, it has never happened before."

"… oh. Yeah." _Duh_. Besides, logically speaking, if it wasn't permanent wouldn't Zexion have gotten its powers back after Riku had defeated the Replica? Unless it was one of those slow processes; in which case the Nobody could escape at any time. His eyes narrow, as if waiting for Zexion to suddenly display some sign of its hidden powers (which would be stupid because the point of hidden powers is, say, to remain_hidden_ until a more optimal time), but the Nobody seems far more interested in scrutinizing him.

He squirms. Riku knows that the hatred between them is mutual, or at least as mutual as it can be when Zexion is incapable of real emotions. So he is sorta surprised when instead of a biting yet painfully insightful insult, Zexion asks, "Where is he?"

He blinks. "Who?"

Zexion just stares at him levelly, making him feel stupid without really knowing why, and Riku decides to hazard a guess. It's not like there's _that_ many choices anyway. "You mean DiZ?"

"DiZ?" Zexion lets out a sharp laugh. "Is that what he calls himself now? How droll."

Riku's curiosity is piqued. "You knew him?"

It shrugs, replying vaguely, "Another lifetime ago."

"When you were Ienzo."

This earns him some (semblance of) surprise as Zexion brings its legs close to sit in a neat, cross-legged position before asking, "Did_he_ tell you that?"

"He mentioned it, more or less. Not explicitly," he adds. "But seriously, how many names have the letter 'Z' in them? It's not exactly common."

Zexion ignores those last comments, tilting its head slightly. "Is that all he told you?"

"… more or less."

"How deplorable. I honestly did not think he would stoop to this, although I suppose I should not be surprised. He has changed greatly from the man I once knew." Again, the words were spoken so off-hand that Riku is certain they are not meant for him as much as for Zexion itself. Unless this is just another one of its methods of manipulation, which wouldn't surprise Riku in the least.

"What are you trying to say?"

Zexion smiles at him coldly, "That if I was you, I would be wary of any promises he is offering you. He has an interesting tendency of hurting those closest to him."

Warnings echo in his head. _Try not to get caught up in his falsehoods again_. Again, being the operative word. He stiffens and points an accusing finger at the Nobody. "Yeah? And why should I believe you? You were trying to kill me."

"You nearly killed me. And you killed Lexaeus. I would say that makes us even."

"But he was trying to kill me too!" Riku replies, frustrated with that line of reasoning. Is this how Nobodies thought? That killing one another is a perfectly reasonable pastime, as long as the gesture is reciprocated?

Zexion raises an eyebrow. "Hm, is that what you thought? That was not our intention, I assure you. We were simply seeking your assistance, and we were willing to give you powers in return."

"You were going to pit me against Sora!" By pitting Sora against him in the first place; no, wait, that was simply Zexion trying to do away with him. Still, the irony is not lost on him.

"Better to destroy the Keyblade Master than allow him to be a puppet for traitors," Zexion replies.

Riku throws his hands up in exasperation, "I don't even know what you're talking about!"

"That does not surprise me in the least. If you did, perhaps you would not be so quick to judge. I would, however, recommend that you ask Naminé about it. What a story she could tell. Do you not agree?" The question is positively poisonous, but Zexion is not looking at him; its eyes are focused behind him. Riku quickly turns and sees DiZ (how did he miss his entrance, the hiss of the lab door opening and closing?), who is watching the exchange calmly.

There is a silence as Riku and Zexion look at DiZ, and him at them. Finally, Riku asks more to break the tension than from a need to know, "Naminé… did you bring her?"

"She's in the White Room. I wanted to give her some time to settle in. And it seems that you are awake, Ienzo. Or shall I call you Zexion?" The transition in conversation partner is smooth; so smooth that Riku fails to notice his dismissal. Instead he stands there, fixated as Zexion speaks.

"That would indeed be preferable. Now it is only a matter of which name _you_ would prefer, DiZ or-"

"Riku," DiZ says loudly as Riku spins around to stare at Zexion, who is smiling coldly but no longer speaking. "Please go check on Naminé. When she is finished, take her down to see Sora."

"But-" he begins to protest, except there is no room for argument.

"Please," DiZ cuts off, the word not a request but a command. "I need to have a word with our… guest. Alone."

He looks from Zexion to DiZ, and back again. Zexion's returned to the mask of cool indifference, and Riku finally gives in, knowing that the Nobody will say nothing more while he is still here. "Fine."

As he walks past DiZ and through the lab door, he can hear Zexion say icily, "How quickly your new apprentice leans, An-"

The door slides shut, cutting off the words.

* * *

Riku never does find out what DiZ said to the Nobody after he left, but it must have been quite effective because Zexion no longer brings up the topic of DiZ's true identity. Riku tells himself that it's not like he ever cared, and he doesn't have the time to worry about that sort of thing anyway. The following days are taken up with their plans, and Riku spends most of his time with Naminé in the blinding white room where Sora sleeps, unaware of the shit they are going through in order to bring him back.

Sometimes Riku wonders exactly how the hell Sora manages it, trying his best not to be envious when he spends his nights tossing and turning. Granted, it's not like Sora's sleep is really by choice, but doesn't he feel… a little blinded by his surroundings? Whenever Riku is in the room he is always reminded of a moment when he was drowning in light, believing he deserved his death because of past actions. If it hadn't been for Naminé, he would not have been able to move past his guilt to seek out the darkness. If it hadn't been for her, he might still be trapped in that illusion, half mad from guilt and fear of what he has become.

It's a constant reminder of how Zexion has wronged him, which might be why Riku has made no progress whatsoever on the entire forgiving and forgetting thing. Hell, he hasn't even _bothered_.

Zexion's behavior isn't exactly helping too much in convincing him to let bygones be bygones. Riku almost wishes that the Nobody would just go back to dropping hints about who DiZ is and how untrustworthy he is because at least it's not a personal attack on him. Which is more than he can say about what Zexion says now, even though they only see each other for brief moments when Riku passes by the Nobody's laboratory cage on the way to where Sora sleeps peacefully.

He tries to tune it out. Fails, for the most part although it's not for lack of trying. He's not sure why he's so susceptible. Maybe it's the darkness within him, and Zexion is somehow reaching out to it. Maybe it's Zexion's voice, which has a certain seductive lilt about it, burrowing into your mind and depositing the words there so that they festered to the point of utter insanity. Barring that, there is also the fact that Zexion knows precisely what strings to pull, what cruel truths to say. Nothing the Nobody says can be denied, no matter how hard Riku tries to justify his past actions. But there is only so much you can do to blind yourself, and Riku had promised himself long ago that he would not do that again.

It wouldn't be fair to let him off that easily, after all.

Still, he tries his best to hurry by the Nobody each day. It's actually quite easy to ignore Zexion; the Nobody blends into its surroundings well, pale skin, gray hair, and black cloaks fading into the darkness of the secret lab. But then, Riku knows that he is much the same despite his heartfelt appreciation for primary colors; even he and Naminé still seem to sink into the shadows, as if they are not actually there. Only DiZ really stands out from all the gloom, with his red robes and bandages making him resemble a homicidal hobo skulking around an alley of disposed electronics. Yet perhaps the description is more fitting than insulting, for what are any of them except discarded waste, the excesses of better people? Riku, Naminé, the Nobody—they are all rejected material that DiZ has collected to further his own means, and who are they to argue with his wishes?

"Ironic, is it not?" Zexion asks each day with a cold smirk, just as Riku is making his way (read, fleeing reality for the sake of sanity) to the stairs to the never-ending glow of the setting sun. It does not need to be any more specific than this; Riku knows exactly what it is saying, and he finds himself hating the Nobody all the more for its infuriatingly accurate insights. The fact that he doesn't respond, not even in his own defense, makes him feel almost like a co-conspirator in Zexion's scheming, as if the knowledge itself marks him as a guilty man.

"Why do we need it?" he complains to DiZ almost as often as Zexion irritates him. In other words, everyday. He tries not to sound like a whiny twelve-year old girl, but his voice tends to crack at such octaves. "How is it going to help Sora wake up?"

"That is something you do not need to be worried about," DiZ always replies, with little variation. He has little time to sulk about this as DiZ would quickly change the topic, to something that could make him writhe in his usual stewing of guilt. "But enough of that. How goes your task to track down Roxas?"

The bloody bastard really doesn't have to ask. They both know how that is going; even his vague attempts to forgive Zexion are more effective than finding Roxas. Riku would argue that it isn't fault, seeing how he has no idea where and how to look for the blond, but DiZ seems to be in complete disagreement. In fact, should he try to make that point, DiZ would probably reply that locating Roxas is the only task Riku has in this cheerful little operation.

He still remembers the conversation well, when DiZ had suddenly interrupted him as he stared blankly at where Sora was sleeping.

_"I need you to bring me Roxas_,_"_ DiZ had said, without a word of greeting.

He had blinked at this. _Roxas?_

_"Number XIII of the Organization. Sora's Nobody. Surely you recall."_ Patronizing does not even _begin_ to describe DiZ's tone.

_I remember,_ Riku had snapped, despising the fact that he was being lectured as if he was an ignorant child. _But why do you need him?_ After all, even now he has still not figured out what the hell Zexion is doing here. He is increasingly starting to think that maybe the Nobody had had a valid point in DiZ's reliability.

_"Sora's Nobody contains a part of Sora himself. Without him, Sora can never be whole. He will not be able to wake up until he and Roxas are reunited into one again. It is crucial that you find him, and bring him back here."_

"But did you ever wonder why the Keyblade Master did fine without XIII until his memories were twisted apart by that witch?"

The apathetic question is asked when he least expects it, but in a way he expects that now. Zexion always did have the most horrible sense of timing, just another thing Riku resents it for.

"No," he replies shortly. Because all he needs to know is that to awaken Sora, to make him whole, he needs to do this. He needs to find Roxas. It doesn't matter what Zexion has to say about DiZ, himself, or Naminé; he knows what he has to do. There is no doubt.

"How nice it must be to be so blindly trusting."

Riku frowns, wanting to tell the Nobody that it is wrong. Because Riku doesn't trust DiZ. He especially doesn't trust his intentions, but he needs the man to wake up Sora. That is all there is to it. It's partially his fault that any of this happened in the first place, and even if it wasn't he feels a certain responsibility to his friend. Back on Destiny Islands, he's always tried to take care of him, even if it was for the most part condescending. And maybe it's true that Sora really didn't need to be taken care of, but that was back then and this is now. Sora could never do anything without his help, and Riku could never deny it. He doubts Zexion would ever understand that, and even if it did it would only try to use that information against him. But for Sora, he is willing to do anything.

Once he figures out how to locate Roxas, anyway.

* * *

End Notes:

Dear Microsoft Spell-check (you wanted the dash, not me): is it really pathetic of me that I love you as much as I do for wanting to change 'Zexy' to 'Sexy'? It rather does make me laugh, although not quite as much as your attempts to change the Harp Seal's scientific name to 'pedophile'.

So that was chapter one. It ended up being longer than I wanted it to be, but the same can be said for the entire story. Anyway, the story is in eight parts, and I have no idea when I'll be updating next between finals and law school applications. I know it's done, but I swear I'm even lazier about updating than I am about writing, and it doesn't help that I can be really forgetful too. Reviews help though, hint (me, subtle? What?). They also help me justify my existence, seeing how I've spent a third of my life writing fanfiction (sob)….

PM


	2. Life as We Know It

_Butterfly Kisses_

Remember the warnings about random domesticity?

That said, thanks to everyone for reading, and extra thanks to Silveryn83, viking106, The White Raven013 (it's not as much me calling Zexy an 'it' (I'd call him God if I could), but Riku in an attempt to think of him only as a Nobody, rather than a person), Someone2003 (I'm glad you liked my Zexy and DiZ… maybe even DiZ more than Zexion because while I find Zexion harder to write, DiZ was just… difficult in a different way, I guess), TwilightsgreyAngel, and Furcifer for your reviews.

And of course, many, many thanks to Coffee-Flavored Fate for beta-ing.

**ii: Life as We Know It**

Riku quickly finds that despite the urgency of the task DiZ has given him, he is actually spending most of his time dealing with more… mundane problems. Although mundane probably isn't quite the right thing to call them, since Riku—like the majority of growing teenage boys, not to mention the human population—rather does like to eat.

It doesn't take long for Riku to realize that DiZ is completely unconcerned about the logistics of living in their abandoned mansion super secret hideout, logistics including cooking and cleaning. The man is apparently too wrapped up in his grand plans for revenge, leaving Riku to pick up the slack on that particular end. For the first week there had been no problems, as there had been enough miscellaneous foods in the freezer and cabinets that required only microwaves or boiling water. But those things had run out, and DiZ is making no effort to restock. They're now down to basic ingredients, which Riku has no idea what to do with.

He gives it a pretty good try, preferring to nearly cut off his fingers than bring the matter up with DiZ. Unfortunately that doesn't last very long, as Riku soon discovers that the only thing he can successfully make is fried eggs. Naminé, who anyways is too busy with restoring Sora's memories, makes the off-hand remark that being a girl doesn't necessarily mean she is a good cook, effectively preventing Riku from even suggesting that she take a hand in the kitchen.

In the end, DiZ makes the first move after three days of three meals of fried eggs. When questioned about it, Riku replies defensively, "It's not like I don't try. But I've nearly set the kitchen on fire three times already."

"I see." Riku allows himself a brief moment of hope (delusion) that DiZ will generously offer to take over the cooking or at the very least offer up the number of the nearest pizza delivery service, but it is quickly and ruthlessly crushed in the worst possible way. "Ienzo had a fair hand in the kitchen. I doubt Zexion has lost any of his touch. Have him take over the cooking."

Riku needs six seconds to take this in. It's not that he's slow, but more that… _was DiZ fucking insane?!_

DiZ must have thought the subject to be peacefully resolved because he is already turning back to his work when Riku explodes, "What?! Are you _crazy?!_"

"Not recently," DiZ replies dryly, before pointing out the obvious. "Surely you can handle him. He no longer has his powers, whether to fight back or attempt to return to the Organization through the dark corridors. All of this was lost to your Replica. He is powerless now, unless you believe he can best you in more physical combat?"

Riku sputters uselessly, wanting to reply but knowing better than to do so. DiZ is, after all, completely right on all these points. The Nobody can't fight anymore… not to win, anyway. In fact, even if Zexion still had its powers, Riku could still probably take it without breaking a sweat.

But really, that isn't the point. Whether or not that's true is irrelevant because Zexion _doesn't_ fight in the first place. Not directly. The Nobody preferred to use guile and manipulation, preying on its victim's insecurities and weaknesses to find that breaking point, to destroy a person from the inside out. Riku doubts that lacking powers over darkness will make Zexion any less capable of doing that, as illusions are not always needed when words can do the same exact work.

He cannot tell DiZ any of this. It is bad enough already that Zexion knows how easily to push his buttons. Riku doesn't need anyone else to know of it as well, even if it is someone who claims to be on his side.

A cool voice in his mind (that sounds conspicuously of a certain Nobody) asks sardonically what was the chance that DiZ did not_already_ know?

The harsh tapping of fingers on keyboard brings him back to reality, and more for the sake of appearance than argument, he snaps, "I'd rather keep eating eggs!"

It sounds hollow. The timing is terribly off. It always is with him, it seems.

* * *

The fact that DiZ is right—as _usual_—does not make Riku feel any better; if anything it darkens his mood even further. He vents this anger in a very mature manner—namely, trying to glare holes into Zexion's back as the Nobody cooks. Sure, it's sort of petty, but Riku is not in the mood to care even as his stomach does flip flops of utter delight. DiZ wasn't kidding when he said that Zexion knew how to cook; hell, Riku would go so far as to say that the guy was seriously underrating its culinary skills if the delicious smell of fish is anything to judge by.

He tries to control his salivary glands (currently going into overload) by reminding them that Zexion is a dangerous, _dangerous_ Nobody who might be using the seasonings as a cover for the poison it is so obviously adding. Hence the reason why Riku is glaring holes into its back, besides the entire need to sulk thing. Unfortunately, the concept is having trouble sinking in because for one thing, the food really does smell good. Especially after the three days of three square meals of eggs bit. For another, Zexion is being very uncooperative in the convincing bit, as the Nobody has shown no interest in escaping. In fact, when grudgingly informed of the new arrangement (Riku had been forced to give in when he realized the egg carton had mysteriously vanished, and every resident of the mansion_except_ the Nobody was a prime suspect), Zexion had simply raised an eyebrow. Or possibly both; Riku couldn't tell with all that hair in its face.

Of course, there was the possibility that this accommodating attitude was the result of his _very_ dire threats on what he would do to Zexion should the Nobody attempt to escape or fight back. But he doubted that, especially since Zexion had looked ready to laugh in his face when he was issuing said threats. Probably the only reason why it hadn't was because it had a reputation to maintain, and laughing was not quite a part of it.

The smirk though? Yeah, that was definitely a giveaway.

Still, Riku cannot help but prepare himself for the possibility of… well,_anything_. A healthy dose of paranoia never hurt anyone, and so he sits on the table, a bundle of nervous energy as he watches Zexion go about its business with efficient skill. And he waits. _Waits_ for a sign of resistance. _Waits_ for that telling hint of betrayal. Granted, he might be a little overzealous considering how Zexion has not even deigned to speak to him once said being released from its glass prison, but he is absolutely convinced that it is just a matter of time.

As the silence stretches on his tension continues to rise until he is ready to burst, which explains his shrieked, "_Don't make me use this!_" and summoning of Soul Eater when Zexion turns, mouth open and_obviously_ ready to spew some noxious filth about Riku's idiocies.

Silence.

If Riku had not felt like an idiot before, he certainly did now.

Zexion rolls its eyes and gingerly pushes the tip of the sword away from its neck, expression bland as it says, "I was merely going to inquire to the location of the eggs."

More silence. Riku is fighting a losing battle to _not_ squirm under Zexion's unblinking scrutiny, and finally he says (only one octave higher than usual), "I think we ran out." He tries to say it firmly, as if it is simple fact and no fault of his. Judging from Zexion's expression, its eyes bright with malicious amusement, he has failed miserably. This causes him to bristle since it really _isn't_ his fault. He didn't use all of the eggs. Someone took them to preserve their taste buds. The fact that he's a potential suspect himself is just proof of how desperate they had to be to let Zexion take care of kitchen duties. But he's not about to tell the Nobody that as he snaps, "Look, I've never cooked before, alright?"

"Clearly, if you wasted that many eggs with your pathetic attempts at preparing something remotely edible," Zexion replies dryly as he turns away to start pulling out dishes and silverware. "You know, some define insanity as the act of doing the same thing over and over again with the expectation that your results will change."

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean? Riku shoots back. "Not everyone understands _crazy talk_."

Oh yes, very mature, but at least he isn't physically attacking the Nobody. Points for his restraint, even if he's reduced to clichés.

Zexion slams the cabinets, turning to face him. "If you really need me to spell it out for you like that, then perhaps it is not worth my time to bother with this conversation."

"Who are you going to talk to then? The wall?"

"It is preferable to speaking to fools."

The only thing that keeps him from tackling the Nobody where it stands is the sudden opening of the kitchen door that causes both to look up. Naminé stands there, offering a brief smile to him and Zexion, neither of whom return it. She frowns but says nothing about it, and Riku feels a little bad about taking out some of his anger on her, no matter how inadvertent it is. Zexion, on the other hand, does not care at all, instead watching with narrowed eyes as DiZ seats himself down in the dining room. DiZ looks up briefly and catches the Nobody's gaze, but Riku cannot read either of their expressions.

Naminé, most likely in an attempt to work through the tension, steps into the kitchen and asks, "Do you need any help?" Without waiting for an answer, she walks over to Zexion and takes the dishes from it easily. Zexion says nothing, does not acknowledge her actions as it instead continues to stare at DiZ, who is now perusing a heavy book.

Deciding that the conversation is over, Riku starts to follow Naminé when Zexion grabs his shirt collar, pulling him back forcibly. Riku starts to yelp indignantly but Zexion just glares at him and points at the food, saying (or snarling, more like) "I am not a servant," before letting go and stalking out of the kitchen. It passes by Naminé and DiZ without a word, pulling the dining room door open and closing it quietly behind it.

Riku watches it go, mouth half-agape, and turns to look at DiZ. The man's expression is serene, or at least from what he can tell behind those bandages.

"Do not worry; he will not be getting out that way," DiZ says simply as he moves his book aside so that Naminé can put down the plate. "Thank you."

"That wasn't what I was going to say," he says, but it comes out more as a mumble and is lost in the clink of the silverware.

* * *

Despite the fact that Zexion irritates him, despite his better judgment, despite the fact that he owes the Nobody _nothing_, after DiZ and Naminé leave the dining room Riku takes the cooling leftovers and goes to find the Nobody.

"You didn't have to," is all Zexion says when he appears. Its tone implies that it would have been preferable if he hadn't bothered, but it takes the plate and silverware anyway. The Nobody had been sitting in the foyer, between the two staircases and next to the window, peering outside listlessly.

"Well, you didn't have to cook either," Riku replies as he watches Zexion pick at the food. He has no idea why they are being so civil; maybe they're just both too tired to want to argue anymore. In a way, it's exhausting to keep up that relentless resentment, particularly against someone (something) who just doesn't seem to_care_. It hangs between them, of course, the memory of the Nobody's attempt to kill him. But it's starting to fade too, and the intense hatred he thought he felt when he first saw DiZ bringing Zexion here is no longer there.

Riku almost wonders if maybe he's becoming obsessed with defining the relationship between him and Nobody. It's not hatred, but it's certainly not good either. Is it fear? Fear because of what Zexion knows, what it can use against him? He has a right to be scared, even though Zexion no longer has its powers. But does he really feel it? If he did, would he be here right now, watching as Zexion takes small bites. A part of his mind comments that this is pretty definitive proof that no poison—slow-acting or otherwise—had made its way into their food, but it no longer really seems to matter.

"It was good," he suddenly blurts out. Immediately he wants to cover his mouth, but it's too late. The words are out.

Zexion gives him a look, the kind that clearly says _'I don't know what you want but you're not getting it'_.

He scowls back, although it's more to do with the fact that he doesn't know what he wants either. Yet he can't stop _talking_, needing to fill up the empty silence. He's never done well with silences—he's never really had the opportunity, what with friends like Sora and Kairi always going on and on about subject under the sun. His first moment of silence had come at the expense of his friends, where he had given himself up to the darkness. And now, it has not taken him long to realize that he never wants to feel like that again, so lost within himself that he has closed himself off to others. But after everything he has done, will he have that choice to make?

Zexion is still watching him, its expression unreadable. It is no longer eating; the majority of the food is left on the plate as it watches him carefully. It's not the same look that DiZ gets; this one seems more like simple curiosity, as if it doesn't quite understand the person standing before him.

Riku can understand that. He feels the same way about himself all the time. And if he can't figure himself out, how the hell can anyone else?

He is so caught up in his own dark and depressing thoughts that he is completely caught off-guard when Zexion abruptly stands. He manages to maintain his balance this time but it's a close call. The Nobody's expression does not change as it watches him try to stay vertical. Instead, Zexion patiently waits for him to steady before shoving the mostly full plate in his hands.

"Make sure you wash them well. I do not want to rewash them," is all it says before it stands and walks up the stairs, making its way to the library.

* * *

From that day on, Zexion never goes back to the basement. And Riku, much to his own surprise, finds himself following in its example.

He had, at the beginning, spent all his free time with Sora. But it did not take long for him to realize how… wrong he felt, being there. He did not know if it was because of Sora or because of him, if it was the silence of the usual gregarious teen or the blinding white light that made his eyes hurt. Or maybe, just maybe, it was the doubt that stirred in his heart when he watched Sora sleep, unconcerned about the problems happening around him. Sora did not know of DiZ's revenge, or the increasing threats to the world, or of the Organization's plots, or _any_ of that. Instead, he sleeps, and Riku cannot help but watch him and wonder if he too can still sleep, and leave this world behind.

But he promised that he would act, that he would not let Sora carry the entire burden. No, Sora the Keyblade Master has earned his rest, and will sleep peacefully enough for the both of them.

And even Zexion's dry amusement with his constant presence will not hold him back.

He does not know why out of the inhabitants of the Mansion, he seeks out the Nobody. Despite the fact that they seem to have come to… well,_something_, there is still an underlying tension. But sometimes Riku thinks that the tension is not really due to the Nobody's presence, but rather because of… well, all of this. Everything about this place is just a reminder of his failures, and there is no one else he can really talk to. DiZ is too obsessed with his revenge, while Naminé always seems two steps away from him. Whether it is because she is busy reconstructing the chains of Sora's memories, or just… he just doesn't get her sometimes. Maybe it's because she is Kairi's Nobody, and he cannot help but compare the two. Except Naminé isn't Kairi, isn't really anything close, and it feels so terribly wrong when she reminds him so much of his other friend. And maybe she senses this too, and keeps herself distant as a result.

In terms of companionship, he deals with Zexion the best, possibly because his expectations are so low that he expects nothing from it. He does not expect to work with it or communicate at all, yet there is something that draws him back even when he does not have to.

If he is honest with himself, he would accept that it may be because Zexion simply knows him the best. To manipulate his weaknesses, the Nobody had to have possessed an understanding of the person as well. It's a peculiar thing, but… well. There have been stranger things. For god's sake, Sora was friends with a talking duck and dog. And King Mickey was… well, a mouse. A very powerful mouse, granted. But very undeniably a mouse, all the same.

Yep, there have been stranger things. It's a testament to his lack of sanity that he can now handle it all without blinking an eye.

* * *

About two weeks in Riku discovers what happens when one tried to leave the mansion without telling DiZ first. And let him be the first to say that electricity and pain and being thrown clear across the foyer was_not_ quite what he had expected.

Zexion, however, seems to have been expecting this for quite some time. It explains why Riku picks himself off the ground only to find the Nobody smirking down at him, and if Nobodies could process emotions he would rather say that Zexion is absolutely delighted with his humiliation.

"What did you expect?" Zexion asks, his usually apathetic voice anything but.

"Shut up," he snarls back, and refuses to say 'thank you' when Zexion forks over the band-aids and some antibiotic gel with completely unnecessary cheer. "But how the hell does he expect me to bring him back Roxas if I can't even leave the damn place?"

"Just tell him before you try next time," Zexion replies practically as it watches him struggle with the band-aid wrappers. His fingers are a little too shaky to open them properly. "Although do you honestly believe you will be able to accomplish such a thing?"

"Why wouldn't I?" he demands, grimacing as the Nobody plucks the wrapper out of his hands and opens it up easily. "You don't think I'll do it?"

"It is not a matter of what you are willing to do, so much as what you are capable of doing." Zexion exchanges the band-aid for the next unopened one as it continues blandly, "If you are truly capable of taking out the entire Organization to get to Roxas, then you would not need him in the first place. You would have already taken out the Organization, and DiZ would have no further use of you _or_ Sora."

He stares at the Nobody, "Then what the hell is he expecting? Does he want me to fail?"

"What would the point of that be? Use your head, boy." Riku thinks it rich that someone who barely looks out of puberty is calling him that, but he keeps his mouth shut (the _self-control_) as Zexion continues, "He needs Roxas, of course. But he does not expect you to get him right _now_, whatever he may say otherwise. And you should not expect anything else, unless you wish to die and be of no use to anyone."

"So what am I supposed to do? Sit around and wait?" he demands, although he wonders if maybe he is asking the wrong person, that maybe the only person who would know the response to that question is-

Himself.

Zexion seems to agree, a cold smile playing on its lips as it says, "Well, there are worse things in life."

* * *

He still has no idea why DiZ insists on keeping Zexion around in the first place. He doesn't really argue the point anymore, seeing how nothing will come out of it, but it remains a valid question in his opinion. At first, he had thought that DiZ was planning to use it for research purposes or something of the sort, to understand how Nobodies worked. His stomach had done sickly flip-flops at the idea—regardless of his opinion of the Nobody at the time—but it did not take long for him to realize that DiZ planned nothing of the sort. Despite those first few days being stuck in an apparent test tube, DiZ never seemed to have any interest in dealing with Zexion for long. And now that it had the choice, Zexion never goes to the labs if it can help it. For the most part it stays in the study or kitchen, sometimes in the library to choose a new book but it never stays there for long. Riku suspects it is because the library is too close to the labs, to _DiZ_, for comfort.

There is little interaction between the two. DiZ is usually too busy working to come out for meals, resulting in Naminé or Riku bringing him his food. The few times that DiZ does come up to eat in the dining room always cause Zexion to leave, and like that first time Riku has to seek him out at the foyer window. It's all sort of irritating, like standing between a quarreling couple, except the animosity between the two goes far deeper than that.

Sometimes Riku takes the metaphor further, comparing the four of them to one really screwed up family. He and Naminé are like the kids caught up in their parent's messy divorce, with DiZ as the working father and Zexion the upset mother, both of whom are content to use their children to pass notes despite living within the same building. When in such a state of mind, the bright pink apron the Nobody wears doesn't make him feel any better, and so he desperately tries to change the subject to take his mind off of such strange things.

"So why does he keep you around?" he asks as he watches Zexion prepare lunch. It is a certain custom of theirs, that Riku always watches it cook. Sometimes he helps out, but ever since the time he nearly cut off two of his fingers and covered the both of them in tomato sauce, Riku's more or less been relegated to washing vegetables.

Zexion turns to look at him with raised eyebrows, watching him for a moment as if to make sure that he is being serious. Finally it turns away to continue cutting mushrooms, and says, "Why do you not ask him?"

He shrugs, even though he knows Zexion can't see it. But some habits are hard to get rid of. "Just wanted to see if you knew."

"Is that all?" Zexion replies, his tone sarcastic. Riku can't blame him; he doesn't exactly believe himself either. Another thing they have in common, it seems.

Riku lets Zexion finish its cutting, placing the thin slices into a bowl before he says, "Well, I figured that if you don't know, then he probably doesn't either."

A dry chuckle as the knife is dropped into the sink with an unpleasant clang. Zexion turns to face him, eyes catching his before it says, "He knows. Perhaps not exactly what, but he knows something will come of this. And for him, that is enough. The man I knew was always fond of… how would you put it, hedging his bets? It pays to have options, even if it did not always work out to your advantage. And of course, the man that he has become understands now that it is best to keep your enemies close. Although, not too close. It is best to keep your distance from everyone, to avoid being blinded by the truth when you are stabbed in the back by who you once thought was your closest friend."

Riku blinks at it. Sometimes it gets like this, going around in riddles. Although this is one of the cases where Zexion is not as much trying to confuse him as it is simply speaking from long past experiences, and such words always strike Riku as a warning.

He never really knows how to respond when Zexion reaches this point. A lot of the time he feels like Zexion isn't really talking to him at all, but reminiscing out loud. It's not quite absent-minded but it is certainly caught up in something else, and he always finds that it is best to either change the subject or drop the conversation altogether.

"Why did you do it?" he asks abruptly.

Zexion's lips curl into a bitter smile, "My, someone is curious today. But you will have to be a little more specific than that—why did I do_what_?"

The Nobody has a point on this, and so he says, "The experiments. The Heartless. Hollow Bastion. You ended up destroying your own world, and yourself. Why? What did you think you would accomplish from any of that?"

Zexion taps thin fingers on the countertop, and counters with a question of its own, "Why do you ask?"

He frowns but answers honestly, even if it makes him feel like a nine-year old child asking why the sky is blue. "I don't know. I guess I just want to know."

"Precisely," the Nobody responds, no longer looking at him but at some indefinable point outside the window. "I just wanted to know."

Riku doesn't know if by that, Zexion is trying to hint at something. He decides not to ask; there has been enough questions that day already.

The rest of the hour passes by quietly, ending when DiZ makes one of his rare appearances. On cue, Zexion leaves, giving Riku brief instructions on when to remove the lasagna and making its way to the foyer window to watch the sun set.

It doesn't seem to make a difference to it that the sun is always setting in this place.

* * *

End Notes:

For the record, I'd like to state that my cooking _is_ better than Riku's. Not by much, but it's still better.

And you know what? I swear, sometimes those 'mysterious' things Zexion says? I don't know what the hell he's talking about. Seriously. Yeah, theoretically I wrote it, but I'm officially holding myself _not_ responsible for understanding what's going on in his twisted little brain. If I did, I would probably cry.

I haven't decided on how I want to go about updating this. I'm pretty good about updating when I'm at school, but it _is_finals right now. And once winter break starts, updates often depend on how often you can pry me away from my PS2, as I'm trying to finish two long RPGs before the end of winter break (weep). So I guess the best I can say is that we'll see.

Thanks for sticking with the story, despite the slightly odd coupling!  
PM


	3. Settling the Differences

_Butterfly Kisses_

I more or less consider this chapter the transition point from rambling about their daily lives to actually going somewhere with the story. And relationship.

Sort of.

Much love to Coffee-Flavored Fate for beta-ing. Thank you for your always helpful feedback.

**3: Settling the Differences**

Riku is starting to lose track of the time that he has spent cooped up in this place, what with the lack of trivial things like calendars and sun cycles. A part of him is tempted to start marking the days off on a wall, but not only will Zexion most likely deliberately throw him into the surrounding electric fence, it is seriously just too cliché. Even at the risk of his sanity, Riku refuses to stoop that low.

Although not being electrocuted again is a pretty good motivator too.

Sometimes it seems like not a day has passed since he came here, as if the day has and will continue to simply stretch out until the end of eternity. He does not know how people survive in this world without going crazy, but then they probably don't have anything to compare it to. They measure time differently, with daily events and interactions—not like him, with only a few people to talk to. Two-thirds of whom he barely speaks to these days.

Maybe… maybe if something actually _happened_, things would be different. Instead, he finds himself going through a life that is oddly similar to the one he abandoned, with the exception of school. Hell, sometimes he wishes for school as something to pass the time. One would think that saving multiple worlds would be more interesting, but the most fascinating thing to happen in the past weeks (months?) was the incident with the chicken that had been in the freezer so long that it had somehow gained sentience. Honestly, if it wasn't for the fact that Zexion had seemed just as surprised as he had been, he would have immediately suspected the Nobody of engaging in science experiments after he had gone to bed.

And barring that, the fact that Zexion spent the next three days (he thinks) complaining about the book it had ruined when beating off the mutant chicken corpse was pretty convincing evidence that Zexion was not responsible for that incident.

Well, maybe.

But despite the fact that Riku is no longer able to recognize time's passing, that does not mean it feels generous enough to simply stop. Sora still sleeps, the worlds are still in danger, and Riku is still here. Waiting for something, although he does not know what.

Waiting, and apparently changing.

Riku growls as a gloved hand tugs at his shirt, Zexion smirking as it says, "You're outgrowing your clothes. Thank Shiva for small favors."

Riku has no idea who this Shiva is, but he ignores that as he pulls away from Zexion, uncomfortable with the closeness. "What are you, my mother?" he demands somewhat peevishly, ignoring the fact that for all purposes Zexion sort of is the mother in this household. But it's a really, really screwed up house so he is prepared to ignore that concept.

For the sake of his sanity, of course.

Zexion snorts, "Humph. If I was, I would most certainly not let you out in those clothes. Your taste is an abomination to the thinking world, and you dress as if you are colorblind."

Logically, he shouldn't be as upset as he is by the insults. Logically, he shouldn't bloody _care_. But there is something slightly maddening about being insulted so thoroughly for your taste in clothes, especially considering what_Zexion_ wears.

"Yeah, well. At least I don't wear a dress!" he snaps.

If he had actually been delirious enough to expect Zexion to be cowed by this oh-so-fabulous response, he is sorely disappointed as Zexion simply crosses his arms. "This _dress_ is far better than what you are wearing," the Nobody says shortly. "And unless you expect a certain someone to be buying you new clothes when he is so busy planning his little revenge, you will learn to _like_ it."

"What the hell do you mean by that?" he demands, even as a part of him starts to curl into a ball and cry for mercy.

"Surely you do not mean to continue prancing around in those rags?" Zexion eyes him as if he is a common beggar, which in a way is really no different from the way the Nobody _always_ looks at him. "Granted, I suppose you might be doing it deliberately, although if that is the case then you really do not need to be showing off so much skin. I assure you, _nobody_ is interested." Its voice is heavy with the irony as it emphasizes that particular word.

Riku sputters, tugging at his shirt with admittedly is showing a generous amount of torso. "I'm not-!"

"Then it is settled," Zexion interrupts smoothly, and Riku glares at him.

"No, it isn't," he replies. "Because you're being stupid. Just because I'm outgrowing my clothes doesn't mean I'm automatically going to be forced into wearing yours. It wouldn't work anyway! You're shorter than me now! And skinnier. And-"

-more curvy, but Zexion doesn't let him get to that point. Which might be a good thing, since Riku likes breathing and he is not sure having his head bashed in with that thousand page book Zexion has been lugging around for the past few days is going to improve matters by much.

"Like I was actually planning to give you my clothes. Please. No, I was thinking it would be best for you to ask _DiZ_," it spits the name out as it always does, "for permission to return to Castle Oblivion. You will find-"

"But I haven't even agreed to this yet," he cuts off because it's about time he gets to do the interrupting. Who says Zexion should have all the fun? Hell, as a Nobody, it shouldn't even be allowed to have fun! Not that Riku is being bitterly petty right now or anything. "What makes you think I'm going to do what you say?"

"Propose an alternative then," Zexion challenges, obviously convinced that it has already won.

"I'll just… just…" Riku is struck with sudden inspiration. "Just buy new clothes!"

He immediately spots the obvious flaw in this argument. Even Zexion does not feel the need to point it out to him as they stand there in silence, looking at each other.

"… after I make some munny," he concedes bitterly.

Zexion shakes his head. "Any munny you make is going into buying food," it contradicts simply. "We are running low on seasonings. And rice. And salt. And meat. And-"

"Argh!" he yells. "Why don't you ask DiZ for that?"

Zexion glares at him. And right when Riku is considering backing out of the room and running away, the Nobody says coldly, "Eggs. We also need eggs."

Riku flushes, turning away. God, he _knew_ he should have begged some munny off of King Mickey before parting ways with the mouse. Why couldn't he think of these things earlier, before shit like this happened? Granted, he had never expected that he would be living like _this_—as mentioned before, he had thought he would be doing more save-the-world sort of things. Like killing Heartless. Taking _their_ munny.

Except now they're running out of food, and it seems that Riku has been nominated primary breadwinner in this household. And even though it's a vote of one person, Riku knows that he does not have veto power over the primary caregiver.

Shit. Seriously, seriously, what the fuck. He _so_ did not sign up for this, and he _so_ is going to strangle Sora when the guy finally decides to wake up.

"Fine!" he snaps, throwing up his arms in surrender. He really has to resist the urge to claw out Zexion's mouth when the Nobody smirks at him. "Where am I supposed to go?"

"Well. The upper floors will be where you will want to go. Do not worry; they are much the same as the basement floors you visited the last time." Even considering its technical lack of emotions, Riku is still pretty damn impressed with the absolutely unemotional way Zexion speaks of that incident, as if it had not been the turning point for both of their existences.

"Why not the basement floor?" he asks, still tugging at his shirt hem so that it can cover a little bit of his torso. The look Zexion is giving him is making him a tad uncomfortable, but the material is proving not to be very tug-able either. Since it's pretty sad to be fighting a losing battle against a shirt, Riku refuses to give up.

"Those are _our_ rooms. Even if I was willing to have you go through them, you would find little to fit your situation. As you so kindly pointed out before, my cloaks are too small for you. And Vexen is too tall, while Lexaeus… well." It smiles coldly. "His clothes could fit three of you easily."

There is that slight edge in the Nobody's voice, the one Riku always hears when it refers to the tomahawk-wielding Nobody. He doesn't know what their relationship was, or whether or not one could have even existed. Considering the nature of Nobodies, they probably couldn't. But sometimes Riku cannot help but think that matters are not quite that simple.

He decides to change the topic, both because it makes him feel odd to think of such things and so that he can finally do something about the too-small shirt. "So what's upstairs then?"

"Upstairs you will find the traitors' rooms," Zexion replies without batting an eye. "VIII is too tall for you as well. XI might be of a more similar size but unless you have no sense of smell, I would suggest staying away from his rooms. Your best bet will be XII." At this, the Nobody smiles, as if enjoying a practical joke.

"And what's the problem with that?" he asks. Because it's better knowing now than later, when it might be too late. Not that there's much he can do about it now either.

"We will have to make some adjustments, seeing how you lack the ability to fill the front as she did. But I think with a little work it will be fine in the end."

Riku nearly slams his head into the wall. _Repeatedly_.

* * *

Zexion is as good with needle and thread as he is with spices and artful manipulation, although Riku can't help but wonder if Zexion really did do the best it could. He guesses it probably came down to a fight between perfectionism and small revenge, but from what he knows of the Nobody, small-minded meanness is not quite it's style. It prefers to go for the grander, more devastating types of revenge, and Riku knows that whatever the result, Zexion probably did do its best when it came to cutting down at the noticeable widening around the chest. 

Still, he takes a moment to grimace at his reflection in the mirror. It's been a while since he really paused to _look_, usually just passing by the glass reflection as if afraid to look at it too long. As if looking too long might reveal those unpleasant truths that he doesn't think he can quite live with yet. Although he supposes that he is getting better. He has to, what with hanging around with Zexion all the time. The Nobody does not bring up the topic of his failures nearly as much as it once did, but just seeing it is enough of a reminder of his mistakes. Sometimes he reaches the point where maybe, just maybe he can find some measure of peace within him. But then he sees Zexion and guilt wells up inside of him again. It's almost enough to make him hate the Nobody, but that really would be… well, petty.

Riku grimaces at himself in the mirror, taking the time to note the changes. His hair is starting to get a little long; perhaps he should see if he can convince Naminé to cut it for him. Zexion might be better at that sort of thing, but he doesn't exactly trust the Nobody to be anywhere near his vitals with scissors. And as for the rest of him… well, that would be the cause of the grimace. The slightly shaggy look of his hair is bearable, but his clothes are starting to look like quite appropriate for a hooker. Seriously not optimal.

Of course, there is a simple solution to all of that. He turns to look at the black fabric folded neatly on his bed, but… why is it so hard? It means nothing to him, this change. So why does he hesitate?

Finally, slowly, he reaches out and takes the cloak. He does not even bother to look at it, instead quickly slipping it on before he can lose his nerve. It's thick and warm, uncomfortably so, but even that is not the source of his discomfort. He feels like by wearing this uniform, he's joined some cult.

He finds himself laughing unpleasantly; after all, how different is Organization XIII from this merry band of discards that he's found himself in?

Riku decides that the safest thing to do is not answer that question.

* * *

One day in the very, very far future, when he is halfway to senile and all the way to insanity, Riku will take the time to wonder if he would have reacted in the same way if he had not been as 'close' to Zexion as he was. 

Obviously, there are some practical difficulties in this statement. His brain has no problem in pointing out all of them, in quick succession too. First of all, Zexion is a Nobody. He has no feelings. Ergo, there is really no way to actually get close to him. And if, for some strange, strange reason fact A does not apply, fact B states that he's not supposed to be making friends with the enemy. Which Zexion is, despite the fact that it spends the majority of its time cooking, cleaning, and reading. It's so damn _normal_ compared to DiZ's bandages and Naminé's crayon drawings that he is starting to feel too comfortable in the Nobody's presence. So comfortable, in fact, that he worries that he is becoming complacent. Zexion is the enemy. Zexion tried to _kill_ him. Yet the words do not seem to stick, falling away as he spends his time with the Nobody in almost calm companionship.

But of course the calm cannot last. Logically, it should not have happened in the first place. And it isn't just Zexion—it's him. Maybe it's just him. He is starting to get restless here; this wasn't how things were supposed to be. It's like some damned purgatory, and he has so much time to himself that he simply continues to get lost in his own thoughts. It's bad when he finds himself feeling lost; it's worst when he starts to forget what his purpose is here, what he is working for, why he is doing any of this. It's almost like he feels a deep sense of disgust with himself, but it's becoming so strong that he takes it out on others.

And by others, he means Zexion. Because the Nobody is the only one he is in constant contact with, and it's just such a convenient target.

They have had their share of arguments before, of course. They're usually short and oddly one-sided, whether it is Riku snapping at Zexion for some perceived slight or Zexion making unpleasant insinuations about his character. They don't typically go too far but over the last few days Riku has noted more… dark remarks being directed at him. On one hand, it could just be because he's been equally unpleasant, forcing Zexion to react. Or maybe… maybe the Nobody is deliberately goading him into some sort of reaction because it's just as bored and irritated as he is and wants something to do, even if it has the potential to be self-destructive.

Riku would know what that feels like. Didn't he destroy his home because of that same boredom once before already?

Of course, the Nobody never fails to remind him of that lovely fact during their arguments, and this time it proves to be the breaking point as he shouts back, "What the hell do you know? You're just a Nobody!"

Perhaps this needed to happen. Perhaps they both needed this to happen. Riku doesn't know, and right now he finds it very difficult to care as he glares at Zexion, who looks up from its book. Riku honestly can't remember what started this bout of fighting. They had actually managed to be quite civil with each other for the majority of the day, but there was a definite tension in their every movement. It's almost as if they were preparing themselves for the inevitable, and it is all going to come out in one foul swoop.

Well._So be it._

Zexion speaks softly, although its words hold a dangerous edge. "What of it, Riku? What are you trying to imply by using that as an insult?"

"Geez, I wonder," he replies sarcastically as he gives an exaggerated shrug. "Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you have no feelings, that you have no morals, that you don't give a _shit_ about the lives you've destroyed. Not even your own!"

Zexion suddenly snaps the book shut and slams it down with such force that it's amazing it didn't break something. The loud bang that echoes through the study causes him to jump; he had not expected this. He probably should have. The Nobody's words are barely above a hiss, but seem to ring as loudly as when the heavy tome hit the small reading table. "And who are you, exactly, to think yourself so superior?" it demands. "You, who destroyed your islands? You, who helped sink countless worlds into darkness? You, who destroyed so many lives? What was your aim in that, pray tell? To escape your islands, no matter the cost."

"And I regret it!" he roars, angry that this is being thrown in his face again. How much longer will he have to live with it? How much longer will he have to face the consequences of his mistakes, whether it is his conscience or someone else rubbing it in his face? "I regret it every single damn day! But what about you?! What have you done to make up for your own destruction?!"

"What exactly do you expect me to do? Be _sorry_?" The word practically drips with venom as Zexion glares at him through gray hair. Despite the hair covering the right side of his face, he can see both eyes, dark and so _empty_. "You attack me for not feeling, and then you expect me to be _sorry_? Do you even pause to think about how illogical your demands are, how impossible they are to fulfill even if I actually wanted to? If I was capable of wanting to?"

"That's exactly it though! You hide behind it. You hide behind being a Nobody!" Riku replies heatedly. "Just because you don't have feelings doesn't mean that what you're doing is right! Just because you have no morals doesn't mean you can't tell the difference between what you should and shouldn't do, that you have the right not to _care_ about what you're doing to other people! It doesn't mean that you deserve to be forgiven! It doesn't mean that _I_ have to forgive you!"

Zexion stares at him, and he hates the knowing look he is getting. "Ah, is that what this is about? Do tell me, Riku. What have I ever done to make you think I would want your forgiveness? What makes you think that I need it? I rather think," Zexion says acidly, "that you are confusing my 'needs' with yours. I have no _need_ for your sentimental feelings. If it was my choice, have no doubt that you would be _dead_. And we would not be having this ridiculous conversation."

"It isn't ridiculous," he says, angry at the implication that he is failing to distinguish between himself and the Nobody when they are_nothing alike_. "What's ridiculous is the way you act like nothing is wrong! That you can just go about without making up for what you did. Don't you care at all about what you did?"

"No." The word is frank, the Nobody's face cold as he repeats, "No. Because I do not see why it matters. It certainly does not matter to me. The world does not ask for me to care, nor does the Organization. So why does it matter so much to you?"

"That isn't the point!" He's practically yelling now, but Zexion cuts him off before he can continue that thought.

"Then what is, Riku? What _is_? Why do you come to me when you are bored? Why do you decide to spend your time with me when you could easily be with Naminé or DiZ? Why do you speak to me of such pointless things, and why do you expect me to _care_? Do you think that perhaps if _I_ can care, perhaps if I can regret what I have done, you might finally be able to forgive yourself?"

"No," he snaps. "Because this isn't about me. Why do you keep bringing it back to me? This isn't-"

"Lies," Zexion hisses. "That is a lie and you know it. Because this certainly isn't about _me_. What I do should not matter to you."

"Well, it does," he replies. It's almost as much a surprise to himself as it is to the Nobody, who for a split-second looks confused at his admission, before it returns quickly to cold fury. "Because it doesn't make sense. _You_ don't make sense. You act like nothing is wrong, like nothing has happened, like this," he gestures around him, although even he is unsure what point he is trying to make now, "is all just something for you to do! You don't do anything, except… except this! Cooking and making clothes and playing housewife and being content with nothing! Even Naminé-"

"Naminé." Zexion seizes upon the chance to change the subject, to use his own words against him. "You wish to use Naminé as your shining example of what Nobodies should be like?"

He scowls, knowing that allowing Zexion to take the conversation in this direction is a dangerous path. Of course he had long ago gotten the story of what happened to Sora from DiZ, including the gory details of Naminé's role. But isn't that part of the point? That despite what she did, she is now trying to make up for the past? "Well, at least what they could be. Naminé isn't like you. Naminé-"

"Naminé nearly _destroyed_ Sora. You think she did not have a choice in the matter? Think again, Riku. She wanted this. She wanted to feel important, to feel like somebody cared for her. She wanted to _be_ somebody to anybody, even if it was at the cost of a person's free will. In the end, she simply realized that she did not have to go that far in order to get her wish. But it was already too late by that point, was it not? Perhaps it warms your _heart_ that she acts to save him now, that she slaves away in her little corner trying to restore his memories. But what has that accomplished that would not have needed accomplishing if she had not meddled with his memories in the first place?"

Riku starts to speak, but Zexion raises a hand (rather like DiZ had, oddly enough), giving him a pointed look. "And as for your other point, your little… tirade about my not wanting to do anything… do you really expect differently? My existence, as of now, currently depends on doing _nothing_. I do not know the precise reason why DiZ chooses to keep me here,_alive_, but I do know all too well that if I fulfill it, he will not have further use for me. And I have come too close to dying once before to wish to go through it again."

"Now you're the one who's getting dramatic," Riku replies. "DiZ wouldn't-"

"DiZ would not what? How much do you know about the man, Riku?"

"I don't know. Why don't you tell me?" he challenges.

Zexion, of course, does not fall for it. He hadn't expected him to, and for a moment they just look at each other, waiting for someone to break the silence first.

"Do you know what it is like?" Zexion asks quietly, his words surprisingly calm even though his eyes hold an expression that could only be described as hate if Nobodies could feel such things. "To want? To only want because that is the only thing we are capable of feeling in replacement for what we have lost? All we can do all the time, to have an emptiness inside you eating away at you, and knowing that the only way to fill it is through some impossible means?"

"You said it yourself," Riku replies. "I destroyed my home because I wanted to get away."

"What you understand is only the barest hint of what we have gone through in these past years." Zexion does not give him the chance to respond, instead continuing. "Yes, we will destroy just as many lives as you have in our goal. Perhaps more so, as what we want most is our hearts. To be whole, to be the people we once were before we lost everything. All those things you disparage us for being… our lack of emotions, our inability to feel, our failure to _regret_—those are the very things we _want_ to have back. It is not enough to remember what we once felt, what we once had. We want so desperately to be human again, so that we can once again do any of those things. But those like you who still have and have never lost the very thing that defines you as a person refuses to understand that concept. Would you be any different if you were in our position? Don't answer that!" Zexion snarls, when Riku opens his mouth to answer. "Don't pretend you understand! You _cannot_ until you have so surely lost yourself that you no longer care what is right and wrong, no longer distinguish between right and wrong because neither exist when the emptiness inside you is too much to bear! Do not dare to claim that you will act differently, not knowing what it is like. _Do not_."

"And how do you know I wouldn't understand?" he demands, although he feels slightly… cold. "I-"

"You what?"

Riku remembers. Riku remembers being trapped in his own body, watching Ansem do things to Sora and Kairi, to entire worlds, to innocent people. Helpless, unable to fight back anymore. Banished to the corners of his own mind because he was too weak to do anything. He remembers that feeling, hates it so much, hates himself for being weak enough to have allowed it to happen.

But what Zexion is saying… it's not the same. Not really. He doesn't understand, although after that… he might be getting closer. And yet he still feels angry, although he's no longer sure at whom the anger is directed at.

"So maybe… okay, maybe I don't understand," he admits. "But…" his voice trails off. But? But _what_? What is he trying to say; what is he trying to get Zexion to understand, when he barely knows it himself?

He grasps for something—_anything—_but all he has is nothing.

Zexion is generous enough to give him thirty seconds, but after that seems to either lose interest or feel like it has won the conversation. It begins to make its way for the study door, which is finally enough to shake Riku out of his stupor as he reaches out to grab the Nobody's arm. "Where are you going? I'm not-"

"This conversation is over. We have nothing else to discuss."

"We're not finished!" The sentence comes out more like a whine, and he winces. What _is_ he trying to do? He doesn't even know what the hell he's trying to accomplish, but he just feels that this isn't the end. That it can't end like this because if it does, it will mean nothing.

"What do you propose to do about it? Force me to continue speaking?" Zexion asks, trying to shake him off.

He scowls, tightening his grip. "If that's what it-"

"Save it. Your words mean nothing to me, and your actions even less."

"Zexion…." It is the first time he has addressed the Nobody by name, and it seems to serve as some sort of breaking point.

Years from now, in the very, very far future, when he is no longer so caught up in his own problems but able to finally move on, Riku will like to think that the only reason why the blow strikes him is because he is not prepared for it. Honestly, it hurts his ego more than his face since Zexion really isn't that strong to begin with, but all of that is forgotten as he looks at that expression of-

Nothing. There is nothing but complete calm and utter composure, as if they had been discussing something as boring as the next day's menu and Naminé's tendency of over watering the plants. As if they had not been venting their frustrations of themselves, the world(s),_each other_, as if they had not been confronted with those truths that were so much better off being hidden away. His—_its_ face is in fact so perfectly indifferent that in his surprise he lets go, and says nothing else as Zexion leaves. Although to where, Riku does not know.

But somehow, without being told, he knows that the careful mask of absolute nothing is the Nobody's way, perhaps his only way, of expressing its pain.

It is on that day that Riku finally begins seeing Zexion as a 'he', rather than an 'it'.

**End Notes:**

See? Transition point.

No idea when the next update will be. I tend to forget to update when I'm at home, and I'm going home next week for winter break. I have this… wonderful tendency of never turning on my laptop which has the chapters in it, so reminders to update are always welcome. And feedback is _always_ appreciated, of course. I was sorta worried after the last chapter didn't get any comments, although fortunately the fact that I just got into Duke Law School is… pretty much making up for any fandom woes.

I'm still hyperventilating from this glorious news. And continuously checking my e-mail to make sure that it's _real_.

PM


	4. Fool's Errand

_Butterfly Kisses_

I wasn't going to update, but I just got into Berkeley law. _Berkeley_. That is my dream come true. I mean, yes, it's going to be weird going to the same school for seven years… but** hell, it's Berkeley**. I am so ecstatic that I will share my happiness with everyone else. At this point, I don't care if anyone reads or reviews. Because I got into Berkeley, I sorta vaguely have a life outside of fanfiction, and did I mention I got into _Berkeley_?

I'm just… geez. So happy. I'm honestly, honestly just… so happy right now.

Thanks to the readers, reviewers, and dear Coffee-Flavored Fate for beta-ing! Enjoy the chapter! I'm off to enjoy life!

**Four: Fool's Errand**

Barely an hour passes since "the argument" (something like that just seems to require quotation marks, even if it seems a bit over the top) when DiZ comes for him. Riku is immediately thrown into what can only be labeled a panic; how in the name of Kingdom Hearts could DiZ have heard about his spat with Zexion so _quickly_, even if it sometimes seems like the man has eyes in the back of his… well, bandages. Personally, Riku has always suspected DiZ of wiring the entire mansion so that they can be observed at all times, but lacking definitive proof he had never figured out a way to bring up the subject of the gross invasion of privacy.

He's sitting in the dining room, scowling viciously at the door to the kitchen as if trying to make it spontaneously combust when DiZ enters, nearly startling him out of his chair. He regains his composure quickly though, turning to watch as DiZ casually walks to the other side of the table and takes the seat that Naminé usually occupies.

"If you are not busy," DiZ says, with a tone that implies Riku_shouldn't_ be, seeing how he has just been caught trying to blow things up with his eyes, "I wish to speak to you of something."

He has a feeling his face resembles a deer caught in the headlines, and is only glad that there isn't a mirror to confirm his suspicions. He tries to tell himself that he's being ridiculous; why the hell would DiZ care if he and Zexion argued? The man doesn't even _like_ Zexion, and whatever his mysterious purpose is for the Nobody, he doesn't exactly seem to be acting on it. But that doesn't stop him from having his voice crack—he blames that on puberty, _really_, doesn't matter if it's technically a little late for that—as he says, "Yeah? What about?"

Riku steers himself, ready to scream 'It's not my fault!' and try to shift the blame to Zexion, but then he quickly realizes that DiZ really doesn't care about "the argument". And unless he really does have the place wired, he probably doesn't know about it either, evident from the man's next words.

"Roxas has abandoned the Organization."

Riku blinks. It takes a long moment for him to process the information, but DiZ does not push him, sitting there quietly as he runs this news through his head.

And more importantly, the implications that it brings to the table.

He has no more excuses now, does he?

Riku does not even need to ask the question; the look on DiZ's face is all the answer that he needs. Of course the man will not go out and say it, but… he doesn't need to. They both know what this means. DiZ has done all that he needs to do by telling Riku this, and now it is up to him to do the rest.

Truth be told, a part of him has forgotten about the entire business with Roxas. It's not a big part of him, of course, as it's hard to forget about the thing that's the key to waking your best friend up and all. But in the almost… quiet companionship of the last few months (has it really been so long?), he's found himself changing despite the lack of progress around him.

But now is his chance to make up for lost time.

It also serves as a glorious distraction from the entire Zexion business, although he knows that he won't be able to avoid it forever. At this point he's willing to take what he can get, no matter the strings that are attached.

Although maybe the only strings at this point are the ones that DiZ uses to control him.

"Alright," he says simply, pushing the chair back so that he can stand. "I understand."

"Good," is DiZ's simple response as he leaves the dining room.

_… if I was you, I would be wary of the promises he is offering you. He has an interesting tendency of hurting those closest to him._

He shakes his head, but the words cling to his mind. It seems that every time he talks to Zexion, DiZ's warnings come up in his head, and then vice versa. It's sorta like being stuck in the middle and having to choose sides, but with not enough information to decide which is the better choice. Is it a bad thing that he almost wants to trust Zexion more than he does DiZ? DiZ is, of course, the one who can help him get what he wants. But Zexion… Zexion is proving to be something different entirely.

Riku is not sure what.

He frowns, finding himself in the foyer, the area between the two staircases that look out the window. He never comes here on his own, just as he never goes to the study if Zexion is not there. There's something constant about that presence, and it is only now that he realizes he sorta misses it, even if it's only been an hour. But the fact that it's no longer there is enough to grate on his nerves, and combined with the recent news of Roxas's betrayal to the Organization… too much is happening too fast. He needs to slow down, stop, figure out what to do.

He is coming up with nothing, and as he sinks to the ground to watch the sun set, he starts to wonder if maybe he can understand why Zexion finds this picture of stagnation so interesting.

* * *

Deprived as he is of his usual companion—three days in and Zexion is nowhere to be found despite Riku's half-hearted attempts to locate the Nobody—Riku finds himself spending more time with Naminé. 

He finds it very, very uncomfortable.

It's not Naminé's fault. If anything it's his own, weighed down as he still is by his own expectations. Naminé… she is her own person, she should be allowed to be her own person. But despite the fact that he has always seen her… differently than he did Zexion, he can't help but expect to see Kairi in her still. And there's enough of Kairi that he can never really shake off that anticipation, unfair as it might be.

Riku feels a little bad about the situation, like he's taking advantage of Naminé. She seems to take it all in stride, accepting him calmly, but both of them know that this is just a temporary solution to a rather sticky problem. After so many months of only seeing her at meals and the occasional passing by, spending so much time with her now quickly results in them falling into uncomfortable silence. He should be used to silences, as Zexion was never the most talkative person around, but this is different. It's the silence of having nothing to say to each other, having exhausted all avenues of conversation so very long ago.

Three agonizing days pass by. He leaves the mansion every once in a while to kill Heartless, collect munny, and buy groceries (not a word of thanks from the Nobody though) but there's only so much time he can spend doing that. More often than not he just sits with Naminé in the White Room, looking at all her drawings until he's memorized each and every one of them. He recognizes some, but more often than not they are pictures only Sora would understand. For so long he's been a part of Sora's life that it's sorta disheartening to see all these special memories and not be a part of any of them. They're just drawings to him, rather than experiences he can recall with fond regard. It marks the separation between him and his best friend even more harshly than before, and it's just another uncomfortable aspect of spending his time with Naminé.

Zexion had never cared much for Naminé, although admittedly that is not saying much. It—_he_ had cared for very little. Riku had quickly learned that active dislike simply isn't Zexion's style, as he seems to regard everything with apathetic indifference. Maybe the fact that he had managed to get such a reaction from Zexion as to reduce the Nobody to physical blows is a bit of an accomplishment, but he feels nothing but empty as he stares at the pictures that mean nothing to him, the soft sound of crayons against paper fading into the background.

Finally, because he thinks he will go mad if this continues any further, he turns to Naminé and asks, "What are you drawing?"

It's odd that this is the first time he should ask, seeing how he's had ample opportunity to do so before. But with so much of his time eaten up by angsting and trying to figure Zexion out—or rather, his confused feelings towards the Nobody—he has not given Naminé as much of his time as he probably should have, considering how much time they've spent together as of late.

Her answer is rather unexpected.

"You," she replies easily.

Riku blinks. "Me?"

"Yes." She brushes aside the crayons so that he can see the drawing more clearly, although he still has to get up and come closer to the point that he is standing right behind her. He stares at it, looking for the brown-haired boy that is the focus of so many of her drawings, and seeing only the monochrome colors of silver and gray, black and white.

"That's not me," he finally says. "No offense," he adds belatedly.

"That's okay," Naminé replies. "But it is you. It's you and Zexion."

He peers at it more closely. Any closer and he'll be pasting his head to the paper. "Why am I smiling then?" He indicates the person he_thinks_ is him; it's sorta hard to tell when both figures in the drawing have the same colored hair and clothes, but he'll recognize that expression of cold disgust _blindfolded_.

Naminé gives him the 'You are _so_ silly look' that Kairi had always specialized in. This takes him aback; the expression on someone else's face, even someone who resembles Kairi as much as Naminé does, is jarring. She doesn't seem to notice it though, or if she does she has the good grace not to comment on it, degrading as it technically is to her. Instead, she answers, "Because you're happy when you're with him."

She says it as if it's a fact, a simple observation. He has to bite his tongue and remember common courtesy to restrain himself from asking what combination of drugs has she been taking, and _where the hell can he get some_?

"I'm not happy when I'm with him," he says finally, once he trusts himself enough to speak without insulting her obviously compromised mental health. Or maybe it's him that needs to be locked up in the loony bin. "He's annoying."

Serial killers with fresh blood on their hands have had more success in proclaiming their innocence than he does in convincing anyone of that truth.

"You haven't been yourself since you two stopped talking," Naminé points out, her eyes bright and innocent and 'oh, I am so not trying to push you two together because I am a yaoi fangirl, where on earth did you get that idea?'

"That's 'cause I'm happy _now_," he mutters, but the words are fake and she smiles gently at him.

"No. You're not," she corrects.

And she's right. Of course she's right. He's been miserable, and it's not just the boredom, or the guilt, or the fact that he's pissed except he hasn't been really angry since DiZ told him about Roxas, so that's two days and twenty-three hours that he's been trying to be angry and it's _exhausting_. It's a cover for the fact that everything feels wrong, that he does miss being with Zexion except that he shouldn't. But it's reached the breaking point where he doesn't really care about the 'should'. He feels like he can be himself, when he's in Zexion's presence. The Nobody knows his weaknesses so he doesn't have to hide them anymore. He doesn't have to hide anything; he can just _be_. It's only when he starts worrying about the status of their relationship that these problems start coming up, but now that they've laid down all the cards, vocalized all their problems… can it be the same? Can they get over this, and if they do… what will happen then?

He doesn't know the answers to those questions. He doubts even Zexion knows, even if sometimes seems like the Nobody is all-knowing but too private to share his thoughts. There is, however, one thing he does know. Kairi had never been the most subtle person in the world; she had always operated under the presumption that boys were stupid and needed to be told things straight-out. Or beaten in the head with them; whatever worked best.

Naminé's method is a little more gentle, a tad more subtle… but judging from the way she is smiling at him, expression mild but obviously waiting, he knows that she is expecting him to act. And if he doesn't, she will shove crayons up his nose and let him suffocate.

Riku decides that the easiest thing to do is accept the message.

As he gets up, Naminé asks casually, "Do you think you can ask Zexion to make sticky rice? We haven't had that in a while."

He smiles, looking back at her. She has already gone back to her drawings, and he says, "I'll be sure to pass on the message."

"Thanks," she replies, and they both know who really should be thanking who.

* * *

It takes him three more days to find Zexion, and honestly Riku has no idea how the hell Zexion managed to avoid him so well. Granted, the mansion is a pretty big place, but in the end it's still just one building and there's only so many things the Nobody can do to avoid him, particularly when he seems to be a creature of habit. But habits can change according to need, and that seems to be the case here. 

At first Riku stakes out the study, feeling rather like a hunter waiting for a skittish deer, but then Zexion never comes back. He tries the library next and fails miserably, and avoids the kitchen because there seems to be something innately unfair about that.

Or maybe it's just that he doesn't want to risk going back to three square meals of eggs again if Zexion gets angry and refuses to cook again. Naminé would never forgive him if it comes to that.

Still, at the three day point Riku is starting to feel a bit pathetic. Seriously, the place isn't so big to the point that he wouldn't be able to find a guy who doesn't even go to the basement anyway (although he admittedly did check in desperation, prompting an awkward conversation with DiZ who was surprised to see him there and wanted an update on his status to find the Nobody, except DiZ was talking about Roxas and Riku was talking about Zexion, and there was definitely some miscommunication there). Riku prefers to think that he's not _so_ unobservant that he wouldn't be able to find someone he's actually putting some serious effort into finding, but either he's just missing something or maybe Zexion really does have his powers back and is using them to hide himself because Riku sees not a single gray hair or black cloak. Well, except his own. The most he can say is that sometimes he feels like those dark blue eyes are watching his every move, judging him, but he chalks that up to sheer paranoia than Zexion actually watching him.

It just doesn't seem like its style.

When he finally does manage to find Zexion, he suspects that it's because Zexion let him. Why the Nobody would do that, he doesn't know, but he's not about to question favors when they're given to him. He gets few enough of those as is, and doesn't want to seem ungrateful.

"Um. Hey," he says. Zexion gives him a look that makes him feel about as significant as a squashed bug; a small, ugly one at that. "What have you been up to?"

More silence. He can practically see ice forming in the air.

He sighs. Well, of course Zexion couldn't make this easy for him; why would the Nobody be so kind as to do that? So he decides to try and appeal to Zexion's natural curiosity, in the hope that somehow this will lead to forgiveness.

"Roxas left the Organization," he offers. If he had thought this information would have had as much impact on Zexion as it had on him, he is sorely mistaken when Zexion continues to just glare at him. Apparently the Nobody is about as forgiving as he is.

"Did he now?" Zexion asks, with that look of 'Why are you telling me this and whatever you want you are _still_not getting it', although it's posture has stiffened ever so slightly.

Riku doesn't comment on that though, instead saying, "You don't sound surprised."

"I do not particularly care," is the cold response, and Riku is happy to know that he's not the only one who resorts to petty lies. Granted, Zexion is better than him at it, but after all that time they've spent together he knows that Zexion doesn't mean it. He can tell from the way Zexion's eyes narrow, as if trying to conjure up a use for that valuable information. Old habits die hard, it seems, since he has no idea how Zexion can use that sort of information to its advantage in this situation.

He restrains himself from asking though, instead leaning back against the wall. Even though he knows that Zexion is more interested than he lets on, Riku doesn't really know what else to say on the subject. There isn't much else that he knows, and so instead he tilts his head slightly to look at Zexion.

It's only been six days so of course Zexion isn't going to have changed appearances. The guy hasn't changed appearances since they began living together in this place, and Riku has a feeling that Zexion's never _going_ to change. But he still finds himself entranced, as if he has not properly seen the Nobody until now. Maybe it's because he's the one who is different now.

Riku bites his lip. Now that he's gotten Zexion's attention, he needs to make the most of it. If he doesn't, who knows when he will ever get another chance to set things right? He fidgets slightly, trying not to appear too nervous, but his voice is a little shaky as he asks, "Why didn't you-?"

"You are not a very forgiving person," Zexion says simply, before he can finish the question he barely knows how to begin.

He blinks. Tries to close his gaping mouth and starts over. "Yeah. I know."

"It is rather ironic, considering how you need to be forgiven by so many people yourself," Zexion adds blandly, and his eye twitches slightly in annoyance.

"Look, if you're trying to psych me out, forget it," he snaps, folding his arms and glaring at Zexion. Thank god for that height advantage his last growth spurt gifted him with. "I already know that. And anyway, that isn't the point this time."

But Zexion just ignores him as he continues, "Then you must take comfort from the fact that your friends are kinder and more forgiving than you are."

"I do," he replies, not looking away. He won't run away this time. "I know. I'm lucky 'cause they'll forgive me even when I haven't. And I'm sorry."

Silence.

"You are sorry," Zexion finally repeats, the words sounding a little strained. "Do you even know what you are apologizing for?"

"Yes!" he replies, feeling a bit exasperated. Why does Zexion always insist on making things so difficult? "I'm sorry for what I said, for-"

"Even if you were right?" the Nobody asks. "You apologize for not being blind to the truth?"

Riku simply gapes; he can't help it. He's starting to get the distinct impression that maybe, just _maybe_… he had already been forgiven.

"Then save your breath. An empty apology is meaningless. And even if it was the case that your sentiments were not so sorely misplaced, such things do not matter much to Nobodies anyway."

And just as Riku had known how much his words had affected Zexion back in the study, he knows now that this is Zexion's own attempt at an apology—in a seriously convoluted way, of course.

Riku grins, and Zexion frowns at him as he says curtly, "Well, I believe we have wasted enough time as it is. Dinner is not going to make itself, last I checked."

He quickly falls into step behind Zexion. "Naminé wants sticky rice for dinner." Well, technically this was three days ago, but he's pretty sure she wouldn't have changed her mind already.

"Does she now," Zexion replies, not looking back at him.

"Yep."

"Well, I am making curry tonight." Riku waits for it, and then Zexion says somewhat grudgingly, "Perhaps tomorrow."

"Cool. I'll let her know. Can we have beef curry?"

"Chicken is healthier."

"Beef is tastier," he counters, the grin threatening to split his face. Shit, he's _missed_ this, and all things considered, he doesn't think he's the only one.

Zexion sniffs, "When you have finally moved past burning water and gain some culinary skills of your own, then you can make whatever you want. Now another word out of you and it will be _vegetable_ curry."

Riku opens his mouth to complain but then shuts it, knowing all too well that Zexion will carry out his threat. And on some level, he knows he should be disturbed at how the greatest menace Zexion can throw at him now is a meatless meal, but pathetic or not the meaningless banter adds a lightness to his step that he's missed over the past few days. He really, really had not realized how much he needed this until now, and while the reasonable part of his brain argues that this _is not the way things should be_, he decides to screw reason and just enjoy the moment for a change.

* * *

With one problem down and another to go, Riku can finally turn his full (sorta) attention to figuring out how to bring Roxas back here. As plans go, his is not very elaborate—find the guy, beat the shit out of him, knock him out, bring him here. _Simple_. 

The idiocy of it all almost makes him want to jump out a window in disgust.

He settles instead for sharpening his combat skills. The past few months have done nothing for his fighting prowess, considering the only things he's been fighting (physically, at least) are Shadows and Soldiers. Although there's plenty of those hanging around the worlds. But it doesn't take a genius to figure out that Roxas is going to put up more of a fight than those weak heartless, and so he prepares himself for the inevitable battle.

As he takes a few practice swipes with Soul Eater in the open space of the foyer, Zexion watches silently from where he sits on the main stairs. Well, sometimes anyway. About half the time Riku will pause and see that Zexion is engrossed in a heavy book, while at other times he can feel those eyes on him. Usually when he's not looking back.

It's horribly distracting, although he doesn't think that Zexion is doing it on purpose. _This time_, at least.

Still, the part of him that wants to jump out the window knows that he isn't going to manage anything productive with such a half-baked plan, and it had long ago decided that perhaps the person who best knows Roxas's weaknesses is Zexion.

He stops. Turns to look at said Nobody, who ignores him in favor of turning a page. And Riku knows that he has Zexion's attention because unless the guy is reading a picture book, even Zexion can't finish reading an entire page in three seconds.

"How can I beat Roxas?"

"Is this what your little combat training is about?" Zexion replies without ever looking up from his book, the question mild but biting all the same.

Riku scowls, and Zexion turns another page, either creating a world-record in speed reading or just trying to find a distraction for himself. "Yeah. It is. I need to bring Roxas here to wake Sora up."

"You mean DiZ needs-"

"Are we going to argue about this again?" he cuts off impatiently.

"No," Zexion says simply. "We are not going to 'argue' about anything. I think he is quite correct in thinking that Roxas is necessary for Sora to be whole again, especially after his mind was so twisted from his journey through Castle Oblivion. Although under any other circumstances, I doubt it would have needed to come to this."

Riku stays silent for a moment before finally dismissing Soul Eater and walking over to where Zexion is seated. His presence goes unacknowledged as he sits down next to the Nobody, who is still pretending to be absorbed in the neatly printed (and _tiny_) words.

Riku waits patiently for Zexion to speak, and after a moment he says, "Roxas. Number XIII in the Organization. Sora's Nobody, as you already know, master of the element of light. The Key of Destiny, the key to our very success." Zexion gives the pages a self-depreciating smile, and for one bizarre moment Riku wants very much to change places with the book. _The fuck?_

Yeah. He decides not to dwell on that fact too long. It wasn't very good for his sanity.

When Zexion doesn't continue, he decides to prompt by asking again, "So… how do I beat him then?"

Zexion laughs, and his words are cold. "You? You cannot. Not as you are, at least."

Riku growls, ready to snap out a mean retort but he catches himself. Their relationship is still on shaky ground, and he doesn't want to be given the silent treatment so soon again. Especially since he has a feeling that if he screws up this time, it'll be a lot harder to fix it than the last time. So instead he takes a calming breath (_zen)_and asks, "Why not?"

"You are weak." Zexion finally looks at him, face serious. He's not being deliberately cruel; he's stating a fact, and Riku winces at the implications of this. "You claim to follow the path between light and dark. The… _middle road_. And while it sounds wonderfully dramatic, it is in the end a path to nowhere. Things do not work so easily, that you can decide _not_ to make a choice at all. You are naïve to think that you can, and DiZ a fool to allow you to continue doing so. You must chose one or the other. You cannot straddle the two, not if you wish to defeat Roxas." Pale fingers tap against the wood steps, and Zexion never blinks as he says, "Darkness and light are equal in strength, but a wavering belief in both cannot match either."

He is silent for a moment, taking in the words. Trying to remain calm, trying to remain confident in the decision that he made all those months ago. Trying (and failing) to justify it to himself because he knows there is no point in explaining himself to Zexion.

Because how is he supposed to convince anyone of anything when he himself no longer believes?

End Notes:

Will be updated when it is updated. Better hope for another law school decision soon if you want a chapter fast. (laughs) But I got into Berkeley! I am officially happy. Unless I fail my envecon class. Then I'm kinda screwed. Hopefully I don't, and I can still go to Berkeley (although my parents want me to apply to Stanford… _boo to the rival school!_)!!

Although on the actual subject of the fic… yah, my favorite line of it is Zexion's last line over there. I don't know why. I just like it. I should probably like something more romantic or something, but that's the line I like the best.

Thanks for reading! Reviews are always appreciated, although… yeah, guess I don't have to reiterate it again. But this is seriously amazing.

PM


	5. Point of No Return

_Butterfly Kisses_

Well, as I promised I got another law school decision (I got into Georgetown!) so here is the fic! I'm honestly surprised that they are getting back to me this fast… it's really different from undergrad, when everything seems to come out at once. In a way it's kinda nice that they come out faster, but sometimes it's also kinda creepy if you don't hear back.

Anyhow, enough about me! Here is the fic, as promised! This is one of my favorite chapters, which in a way is saying something because I really wrote the fic and then decided on the chapter breaks about midway through, and kept changing it throughout the writing process. It's a pretty long chapter, although I guess the chapters have been pretty long already (although it's pretty average by my standards), and I hope everyone enjoys it.

But before anyone thinks I forget, thanks very much to the readers (and thanks for your encouraging words! I'm sorry I ramble so much about my law school drama, really...), reviewers, and of course, lovely Coffee-Flavored Fate for beta-ing this fic!

**five: Point of No Return**

In the end, he decides. Not on what Zexion says, but on whether or not he trusts himself. Maybe it's a fool's errand, maybe not, but in the end he decides he has to figure it out for himself.

He leaves in the cover of darkness, or the closest they have to it when the sun never sets. But the mansion is dark, the occupants gone to bed, and he practically tiptoes across the wooden floor of the foyer as he makes his way to the door. Although there's probably no point to that. DiZ knows he's leaving, is probably watching him as he leaves so that the man knows when to bring down the barriers so that he can leave without electrocuting himself (again). But it's not DiZ that he's worried about, or even Naminé who for the entire day seemed to be watching him with a hint of worry.

It's Zexion that he doesn't want catching wind of this, and-

"So you are still going."

-and apparently he's been found out before he can even open the door.

His hand falls from the handle. This is _exactly_ what he had hoped to avoid. It is why he had decided to leave now, when he thought Zexion would be sleeping—because contrary to popular belief the Nobody _does_ sleep; the first time he saw it for himself his eyes had nearly popped out in surprise. But Riku probably should have known that it wouldn't have worked out the way he wanted it to, since Zexion seems like the kind of person (person?) who would anticipate it.

"What choice do I have?" he replies, turning around to face his once-enemy. What they are now, he does not know. The expression on Zexion's face, of vague worry mostly overwhelmed by irritation but_not quite enough_, makes him smile inwardly. It kinda feels like he's being seen off to battle, except in this case his 'fair princess' has absolutely no expectation of seeing him return triumphant, if at all. Definitely, definitely a little disheartening, but the fact that Zexion is seeing him off at all (no matter the motive) is… worth something to him. Even if Zexion thinks his chance of success is low, he's still here with that slight scowl on his face.

And despite the lack of faith in him… well, at least Zexion is being honest about it. Besides, isn't Riku the one who doesn't want to be deluded any longer?

"You have a choice," Zexion points out. "A different one. To choose-"

"Yeah, yeah, I _know_," he cuts off, trying not to feel guilty when Zexion looks a bit insulted. He probably feels Riku is being flippant. "To choose between light and dark. I know. But I _can't_."

Zexion frowns at him and says coolly, "Then you are a fool."

"I know that too," he replies quietly. "But I have to do it this way. I have to do it my way this time. If it doesn't work out, we'll do it yours." _Maybe_.

Zexion purses his lips, "And what makes you so sure that you will be able to come back at all?"

"I'll come back," he promises. All he gets in response to this is a quiet snort, and he glares. "What's with the skepticism? You really think I'm going to die?"

The question on the tip of his tongue, the one he doesn't ask—_do you want me to come back?_

But since he doesn't ask, and since Zexion really isn't psychic no matter how all-knowing he may seem at times, the Nobody just shrugs, looking away. "Suffice to say, I would not be surprised. And I doubt you would be either. Surely you do not actually believe that you can win. If you did, you would have gone days ago, as soon as you had discovered that Roxas had left the Organization. Why put it off for so long if you are so confident in your abilities? If you truly believe that taking the middle road will give you the power that you need?"

"I don't know." It takes everything within him not to make it sound like a wail, but at this point what else can he say? "Maybe I just wanted your opinion first, so that I'm not charging in blindly. So that I know what I'm facing."

Zexion turns back to him, "Then why do you not listen?"

"I did listen," he replies, somewhat insulted. Is that what this is all about? Maybe Zexion just doesn't like having his opinion ignored, but that isn't true. Riku did listen. But… he just… "This is something that I have to do."

"According to whom?"

Riku knows what Zexion is expecting, and Riku also knows that Zexion is wrong. Because this isn't about anyone else. This is about him, and sticking to his choices. Of course, if he said it out loud then Zexion would just call him a stubborn idiot, and maybe he is but honestly that isn't what this is about. He's not entirely sure_what_, granted, but maybe it's about proving himself. He needs to do that now, to make up for what he once did. He needs to make something meaningful out of his life, after the disasters he's caused.

"Me." He says it with finality. "This is my decision. And only mine."

A soft snort. "And that is supposed to reassure me?"

He grins. It's not a happy grin. If he looked in a mirror right about now, it'd probably resemble a very fine grimace. "Sorry, but reassuring you isn't that high on my list of priorities right now.

"Of course not. But Sora is."

Riku decides that he _must_ have hallucinated that hint of jealousy in Zexion's voice. In fact, he is certain that it's just one of those cases of shifting his wants onto someone else, so he pushes it out of his mind as he says, "Yeah. He _is_."

"Indeed. But if he is so at the forefront of your mind, it should be easy for you to decide instead of… how did you put it, charging blindly into a fight you know you cannot win."

"You're just saying that to-"

Zexion cuts him off, voice sharp. "What I am saying is the truth. It is your problem if you refuse to see what even you know is true, but simply refuse to accept for the sake of being stubborn."

They glare at each other. Or perhaps not really. Because this isn't a fight, not like their previous ones. They're not mad at each other, or as mad as Zexion can get when lacking the prerequisite emotions. Riku almost wants to say that Zexion is… worried, except worry also requires feelings, and he's already established the problem with that.

Still. This, whatever this is, is not the same as what it would have been before.

"I'll show you," he says, and he doesn't know who he's talking to. It could be Zexion who believes he will fail, it could be DiZ who he knows is watching their conversation, it could be Sora who is asleep and free from all this bullshit. And it could be him, but if it is the promise sounds so empty that he will never be able to take it seriously.

Zexion lets out a sigh. "I await with bated breath." Now there is_definite_ sarcasm in those words, and suddenly he feels like a kid again.

"You suck." The only thing that will make this picture complete is for him to stick out his tongue.

Zexion's lips quirk slightly in what could have been a bemused smile, but he says nothing. The conversation is, for all intents and purposes, over. Nothing Zexion can say will stop him, and nothing Riku can swear will convince him. The most they can do is wait and see who is proven right, and Riku knows who the odds are favoring. Except it really, really doesn't matter because it's not about winning. At this point, it's the last thing he's really worrying about. Because the fact that Zexion is trying to stop him—in that special, convoluted, _twisted_ scheming way of his—means something in itself. And he would like, very much, to prove Zexion wrong not for the sake of humiliating him, but to simply show him that he is strong enough to move on. That maybe, just maybe, Zexion doesn't need to worry about him like a mother hen.

_So it's all a masculinity thing?_ his mind asks snidely, as a small part of him points out that he doesn't need to prove masculinity to a guy who thinks vegetables are tasty.

_No. It's a Riku thing._

"I'm going now," he says firmly. No room for argument, not even from himself. And to his vague surprise Zexion doesn't say a word, just watches him as he turns to open the door.

He's one foot out and one foot away when there is the soft sound of ripping fabric, and he whirls around to see that Zexion has torn a strip of cloth from the hem of his coat. Before Riku can ask what the hell he's doing (or how the hell he managed that, _shit_, and to look so damn implacable as he did it), Zexion holds out the strip of ragged black cloth to him.

"Here," he says, the words as sardonic as the smile on his face. "Since you are already so blind to the truth. It would be best to blind others as well; there is no need to give your opponent any more advantages than he already will have."

He stares, "What do you mean by that?"

"Your eyes cannot lie nearly as well as you do. And seeing how you are not very good at lying, that really is saying something."

The stare quickly becomes a glare. He takes a step back in, hesitates. Zexion laughs.

"Do not worry. I am not so foolish as to try escaping."

"That isn't what I was worried about," he replies quietly.

Zexion just shrugs. The off-hand gesture is enough to make him take those steps now, and he leaves the door open as he comes. The cooling air rushes in, and he shivers slightly as his hand reaches out to swipe the blindfold. Yet no matter how fast the movement is, his fingers still brush lightly across Zexion's ungloved hand, sending a slight shiver down his spine that has nothing to do with the cold.

They look at each other for a moment. Zexion's eyes are calculating, but still there is that hint of surprise in them. Why?

But he doesn't have time to ask, doesn't have time to think. After all, he has a job to complete. The questions can come after.

The door closes with a peculiar finality.

* * *

Zexion does not need to say 'I told you so' when Riku returns, sopping wet from rain and blood. Whether or not he does anyway is something Riku will never know, as he is too incoherent from the pain to know for sure. He distantly hears Naminé's soft gasp and a sharp intake of breath, and now he's being half-lifted into strong arms. The blindfold he had tied on once out of Zexion's view is ripped away from his face, and the glow of the setting sun and artificial lights makes him wince after the dark emptiness of the World that Never Was. He blinks and stares at whoever is doing this; he's certain that it isn't Zexion, since the Nobody was never strong enough to hold him like this. And he's fairly certain that the red he's seeing is not blood or how else could he still be alive? 

"Riku," DiZ says, and he struggles to make heads or tails of the words, cold and harsh in desperate worry. "Riku, can you hear me?"

He groans. It's about the only response he can manage right now, without coughing up various organs. And he likes his organs. Inside. Inside is good. Inside is _wonderful_. Because inside means functioning which means living which means talking without puking up his guts, and he practically drools at the thought of such an existence. It's hard to imagine right now. Hard to imagine anything besides the pain.

"This is your fault," he is certain he hears Zexion hiss. "If you hadn't convinced the idiot to go and find Roxas when he is _clearly_ incapable-"

"This would not have happened if you and the others-"

"Oh, don't make this about us," Zexion snaps back, his turn to cut DiZ off. "Yes, yes, we caused your downfall and the destruction of Hollow Bastion. But _this_ is not our fault, nor mine, and do not dare to put your blame on my shoulders! Your toying with him is what got him into this position, and so help me if-"

Rising urge to cry for mommy and daddy to stop fighting. His brain will kill him if his wounds do not.

"Is that the sound of you caring? Why, I do not think I have even heard Ienzo this-"

"Save your scientific inquiries for some other time. Do you want your precious Keyblade wielder to stay asleep forever? Because that is precisely what will happen if your little puppet bleeds out on the floor."

He whimpers slightly as he is picked up off the floor.

"Where do you think you're going?" Zexion demands. "Get him into the study. I will take care of him."

DiZ snorts. "He would be better off in the basement. You are not Even; you never did have his medical-"

"The_study_,_Ansem the Wise_. Live up to your name for a change. You want him to die as you hobble up and down the stairs?"

"I told you not to use that name!"

"What does it matter now? What does any-"

"Stop it!" Naminé yells, sounding close to tears. "Both of you, stop it! If you don't stop arguing, he'll-"

He passes out.

* * *

But not for long.

Not_nearly_ for long enough, in fact, as he wakes up to find himself on the floor of the study, half-naked and shivering despite the warmth of the room. He tries to look around, but there is little to see. DiZ is nowhere to be found. He cannot see Zexion either but he hears his low voice patiently instructing Naminé to get some hot water, and then there is movement and cold fingers are brushing his hair aside as Zexion asks softly, "Riku?"

That is all he says. No 'Riku, are you okay?' or 'Riku, where does it hurt?' or 'Riku, did you know that you're a fucking idiot?' The self-restraint makes him smile blearily, but that seems to set Zexion off as the dark eyes cloud over and Zexion turns away to grab at something. And the next thing he knows, he's howling from the pain as Zexion applies liberal amounts of stinging hydrogen peroxide to Riku's many, _many_ wounds, his face as impassive as a rock when Riku screams bloody murder.

A rock with _sadistic tendencies_.

The**bastard**.

"Oh, stop your complaining," Zexion snaps, obviously having no patience for Riku's squirming and attempts to shatter his ear drums. "Would you rather it become infected? Would you _rather_ lose your arm? Not that I would be surprised, considering how singularly idiotic you are!"

"At this rate I might not have a choice!" he yells back, surprised that he has enough energy to screech like a dying hyena. Apparently pain can be a real adrenaline rush though as he once again exercises his vocal cords when the bandage is tightened to the point of cutting off blood circulation. "Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit, _shit!_"

"You have no one to blame but yourself," is the unsympathetic response. "I told you that it would not work. I _told_ you that you would not win. Now look at yourself. Did you really come back expecting to be babied? Well, think again."

Nails dig in painfully deep as Zexion wrenches his other arm over to 'tend' to those wounds, rather than doing the nice, _medically sound_ thing and just changing sides. Except that would require Zexion to move, and that would result in Riku apparently being 'babied', and of course they couldn't have something like that happening._**Bastard**_.

"I'm not asking to be babied! I'm just asking you not to kill me!" Riku snarls, the words abruptly switching octaves as they end in a high-pitched shriek when Zexion not-very-gently wipes away the blood and dirt.

"Oh trust me, if I wanted to kill you it would be _far_ more entertaining than this," Zexion hisses.

Riku lets out another howl as Zexion slaps on the band-aid with way more force than necessary. Way more force than he ever would have suspected the skinny, diminutive, tiny, and very unmanly Nobody to possibly have. "You know what? You really, _really-_"

"Suck. I know," Zexion replies in dead-pan. "And you might want to look into getting a new insult. That one is already starting to get old, and it makes you sound like you have the mentality of a nine-year old."

"You know what? Fuck you! Fuck you and Roxas and DiZ and especially your stupid know-it-all attitude and _fuck!_"

"There now," Zexion says. There is a definite smirk on his face. "All better now?"

"Fuck you!"

"Again with the creative and witty retorts? Naminé. Set that down over here."

Riku flushes as Naminé scoots into the room as if it is filled with wild animals. Zexion just nods shortly as she puts the small basin of hot water down and turns to him. "How are you doing?"

He mutters, forcing himself to sit up despite the pain, "I'm alright."

"You sure?" she asks in a somewhat quivery voice. Riku tries to tell himself that it's only because she's worried about him, and _not_ 'cause she takes some perverse amusement from this. "Because it sounded like-"

Riku slowly puts a hand on her arm, trying to give her a reassuring smile. "I'm fine. Really."

"Physically, at least," Zexion mutters. "There is no need for concern. He is just a little banged up. He probably got hit in the head a few times, but really that is no loss."

Riku glares at him as Naminé giggles, "Right. Will you be needing anything else?"

"Yes! Get this crazy sociopath away before-" he starts only to be cut off by Zexion's drawled, "No. There is no curing stupidity, unfortunately."

"I'll just leave you to your own devices then," she says with a smile that is too large to be hidden behind her hand. She leaves before Riku can grab onto her dress and plead for mercy, and Zexion rolls his eyes as he squeezes reddish water from what looks like one of the kitchen washcloths.

Before Riku can confirm this point though, Zexion turns back to him and orders without batting an eye, "Riku. Do shut up or I swear I will gag you. And don't you dare scowl at me like that. This could have been avoided if you had just-"

Riku kisses him.

There are a number of reasons why he chooses to do this. The first is that he had needed to shut Zexion up somehow, and since he couldn't speak—he knows better than to tempt Zexion when the guy's in a pissy mood—he figures that this is somewhat preferable to punching the guy. More pleasant for him too.

The second reason probably has to do with animal magnetism. Hormones and all. Injuries and adrenaline and all those wonderful biological explanations that will fall flat on their face in three seconds or less, money back guaranteed. But Zexion didn't seem to have taken into account Riku's sitting up, resulting in their faces getting just a little too close. Then primal instinct had taken over and… well. Maybe if they hadn't been so close, Riku would not have been able to manage it. But they were, and they are, and… yes. Animal magnetism took over.

And maybe, just maybe, he really does it because he wants to.

He tries not to think. He barely manages enough coherent thought to breathe. But oxygen seems so low on his list of things to do today, as he gently presses their lips together and lets it all go.

He notices a few things, in a sort of off-hand, distant way. Zexion's grip on his arm relaxes then clenches before it can fall away, and his posture is impossibly stiff. But he doesn't push Riku away, doesn't do anything at all, and Riku nearly laughs.

The kiss itself is in a way terribly anticlimactic. But he doesn't dwell on it, in part because his brain is too busy imploding on itself to care, in part because he's rather engrossed in the kissing part. What with the teenage hormones and all.

Ironic that it is a Nobody of all things that makes him feel this way. Makes him feel a little more _whole_, a little more… at home with himself. After everything he's done, after everything he's _been_… it's nice to be himself for a change, and not feel worried about it all.

He wonders what Zexion feels, what a Nobody can feel in such a situation. It's hard to tell. Zexion is kissing him back but there… it isn't right, even with Riku's complete lack of kissing experience he _knows_ that it isn't quite right. There's something so… perfunctory, so automatic about the kiss. There is no passion or feeling behind it. And again, he nearly laughs but it's only to cover up for the small mental sob; well, of course there isn't. How can there be? And how can he expect anything else?

They break apart. Riku is the one who initiated the kiss, and he is the one to end it as well. He stares at Zexion, trying to read his face, but there is nothing to see. It is as empty as the kiss was, but with that hint—always a hint, _always_ the barest of hints without ever managing to **be**—of his own longing….

As he breathes, blood rushing to his face, he can hear his heart pounding in his ears. And that's what makes all the difference, isn't it? That heart. That thing that Zexion does not have, will never have if Sora wakes up and defeats the Organization.

And Riku, no matter what he does, no matter how Zexion tries to feel for him, will never have that heart either.

It is silent, as Zexion hands him the last of the bandages and gets up, Riku's torn coat in hand, to the chair on the opposite side of the study. He seats himself down and begins to sew up the holes, and Riku watches him without ever moving.

Neither of them say anything.

There is nothing for them to say.

* * *

Things are awkward for the next few days. Zexion doesn't go out of his way to actively ignore him, nothing like that, but Riku still feels like he's being avoided. He keeps that opinion to himself though and allows the distance, but he's never too far away. He still stays in the kitchen when Zexion is cooking, and one day as he is handed an onion to cut—Zexion _always_ makes him cut the onions, claiming heightened sensitivity to them. Riku has never seen him cut one, although the thought of Zexion crying (even if it is a purely biological, completely unemotional event) is extremely weird—Zexion says simply, "It does not mean anything."

"Huh?" he replies intelligently.

"It is not surprising that you would have these feelings," Zexion continues, avoiding eye contact by studiously examining the clean-enough-to-eat-off-of countertop. "But that does not mean it is a good thing."

Again, it takes him a few long moments to comprehend what is being said, but when he does there is a sense of urgency to his words. "It's not about it being a good thing though," he says. "I care about you."

"And I cannot care for you in return. Do you really want to be stuck in a relationship like that?" Zexion replies practically. Still staring at the wood surface. If he keeps staring at it like that he would burn holes through the wood.

"Well, it's not like I fell in love with you by choice," he points out.

Zexion laughs, the sound harsh. Sad. _Almost._ "Love? That is going a bit far, I think. At best, perhaps-"

"If you say lust, I will throw this onion at your head," he threatens.

"I was actually going to suggest to a psychological disorder."

"That isn't much better," he mutters.

"It isn't supposed to be," Zexion says simply. "But think about what you just said, Riku. Think about what you are admitting to. You just confessed to… falling in love with someone who has no feelings. Someone who will never be able to feel for you in the same way, even if he wanted to."

"Do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Do you want to feel the same way?" he prods, and raises an eyebrow when Zexion waves him off.

"That is not the point, Riku. Try to stay on the same subject; it is for your own good. Suffice to say, you would do better to go back to lusting after your friend… Kairi, was her name I believe. Or since you appear not to swing that way, your precious Keyblade Master. I am sure he will welcome your affections."

"You can't seriously think that I can just… direct my feelings elsewhere." He almost wants to reach over and strangle Zexion for being so… so… _infuriating_. "It can't just be as simple as that, can it?"

"As a matter of fact, yes. It can. It _should_."

"Come on, Zexion."

Zexion turns to him. His eyes are cold, his face almost angry. "Listen to me, Riku. In fact, do not just listen. _Understand_. I am simply telling you how things stand. I do not wish for you to delude yourself any longer. But if you insist on doing so, then I will have no part in it."

"You cared for that other Nobody though, didn't you?"

The fact that Zexion does not react to that shows how dead serious he is being, and if anything it makes Riku all the more determined _not_ to do as he says. "If you are referring to Lexaeus, that is easily explained. What we had, or more precisely what we _thought_ we felt was simply the residual feelings of Ienzo and Aeleus. The memories of a past life. But they were only memories, and in the end they meant little. I sent him to his death, Riku. And when he died I felt nothing. Despite what we had shared, despite everything that we had gone through, I felt nothing but irritation because he had failed me, and I do not like to be failed. As for you and I, what do you think we have? I have no recollections of a past life with you to fall back on. I can no longer feel the way you do now. What you feel, this… _love_, is fully beyond my comprehension."

"You never know." The protest is weak, but he has to say _something._

"I_do_ know," is the simple correction. "For years I studied the heart as Ienzo. My studies did not stop when I became a Nobody. Believe me, I _know_. This is not something that can be corrected simply because you want it to. There will be no miracles to change the situation."

Riku scowls at him as he puts the onion down so that he can cross his arms. "You know, sometimes I wish you would stop being so logical."

"It is the only thing I have left to me. It helps me to remember who I once was, and it distinguishes me from being one of the lesser Nobodies." Zexion looks almost pained for a moment as he says, "It keeps me from degenerating into a mindless monster."

Hard to argue with that. But Riku is not one to back down from a challenge. "But still-"

"You would not understand," Zexion interrupts simply.

Riku knows what that is; whenever Zexion pulls out that particular line, it's supposed to be the end of their conversation. Because more often than not, the guy's right. Riku doesn't understand. And if he doesn't understand, he can't really argue with something like that. The most he can do is glare and argue, but it never lasts long and he is quickly forced to hold his peace as Zexion distances himself, whether it is by walking away or letting silence act as a hefty barrier. And he regrets it every time it happens, not being able to say the words that need to be heard in order to show that maybe he doesn't understand, but does that really mean he can do nothing?

So this time, instead of doing nothing… he acts. And notices that Zexion does as well because the Nobody makes no motion to leave, instead watching him. Testing him. Waiting to see how he will react, how he will deal with this… it's not quite a rejection of his feelings, but more of being given the gory details and being asked to choose. The choice should be obvious. The choice should be easy to make. But like the other, more difficult decision that Zexion has presented him with in regard to Roxas, this one is so simple that he knows without a doubt that he has to take the other path.

"I know what I'm doing," he says finally. "And I know what it means. I know that you can't care for me in the same way. I know that we can never have anything… real. But it doesn't matter to me."

"It should."

"Yeah, I know that too. I know that it _should_. But it doesn't. I still love you. And I'm not just tossing that word out easily. I really, truly do."

Silence. He grimaces, waits for the inevitable. Zexion will downplay his feelings. Zexion will write them off as a child's idiocy. It's his first time, his first love. What the hell does he know about love, about caring for someone, about such unconditional commitment when he will get nothing in return except an empty heart?

What does he know?

"Do as you will. I will not stop you." Zexion says quietly, and Riku feels his heart sink ever so slightly. He nods stiffly, turns to start cutting the onion, but immediately whirls back when Zexion suddenly continues. "Although for what it is worth…" Zexion pauses, looking at Riku, and he almost thinks there might be that memory of sadness in those dark blue eyes, "I wish it could have been otherwise. I am… sorry. That it could not work out, the way that you deserve. Or at least, I am as sorry as I can be. Given the circumstances."

He smiles, a small, tired smile of almost relief but not really. Because he knows that he's probably in over his head, but he's come too far to turn around now. "That's enough for me."

"Is it?" Zexion asks. "It will not always be. Eventually, you will want more. Of course you will. You will want things that I cannot give you, things that you will need but that you can never have if you choose to carry through with this. Will you be able to go on with your life without ever being loved back?"

He fidgets, wanting to look down at his shoes, wanting to look away. But he's mesmerized by those eyes that seem to see him too clearly, and is waiting for him to vocalize the answer that both of them already know.

"I guess I'll just have to learn how to."

* * *

Their displays of affection are awkward in their one-sidedness, but Riku knows better than to complain. Although Zexion never really reciprocates fully, sometimes he will lean into that touch, smile a little more gently than his usual calculating smirks, let his fingers rest on Riku's hands when there is no need for such gestures. They're small, almost insignificant, but they are more than nothing and Riku takes what he can get. His heart leaps at every small moment that they share, moments that are rare and far in-between but special because of their scarcity.

It's kinda pathetic. And it isn't enough. Zexion was right about that. But Riku is learning how to make do.

He wishes that he could have a lifetime to learn how to make do, but he gives himself two weeks before he returns to the business at hand.

"The darkness."

Zexion eyes him warily, pulling away slightly, "What about it?"

"It's not a what," he replies, his voice eerily calm. "It's a decision. I'm making my decision."

Silence. "The darkness?" Zexion lets the question hang for a moment before saying dismissively, "There is no point. You will not be able to control it. It will consume you."

"You're the one who said I needed to choose," he points out and Zexion simply shrugs at that.

"I assumed you would choose light."

He laughs dryly. "Yeah… guess that's what most people would have done. But… well, Sora's light. If I want to help him, if I really want to help him, then I know I need to choose darkness."

"What you do does not have to be about him. It is your life." Riku decides not to point out the irony in this, as currently Zexion's own life is all about not living for himself.

"I know. But I also know that this… this is the best decision I could make. Besides," he lets out another small, ironic laugh, "I already have the power. It would be better as darkness, what with Ansem still inside me. All I need to do is unleash it, right?" When Zexion doesn't reply, he reaches out to clutch those pale fingers, ignoring the slight flinch at the contact. Even after these past few days, it seems that Zexion is still uncomfortable with the contact. "I need to open myself to the darkness to win against Roxas. How do I do it?"

"You will lose yourself." Zexion looks at him through lidded eyes. "You are correct in saying that because this… Ansem," he pauses here, and Riku bites his lip to not ask what exactly Zexion means by that since he is fairly certain he remembers Zexion calling DiZ by that same name. _Ansem the Wise_. What could that have meant? But he does not have the opportunity to ask right at this moment as Zexion continues, "His powers over the darkness were great, indeed. But his powers over you are still a threat to your very being. To open yourself to that, you risk being overtaken again. Is that worth it to you?"

"Well, I don't really have a choice, do I? I need to control it. Shouldn't you know a way?"

Zexion frowns, looking rather like he wanted to pull his hands away. He doesn't. "What makes you think I would know anything of it?"

He gives him a half-grin. "Like I need to answer that."

The half-grin is returned with a blatant scowl. "Fine. Then what makes you think I would tell you anything?"

"Why not?"

"Why not indeed?" Zexion echoes. "The price is too great, even for you. Selfless as you claim to be. Even if I were to tell you, it would mean nothing."

Riku shakes his head. "That's where you're wrong. I'll do anything to wake Sora up."

"Empty words."

"They're not empty!" Riku replies hotly. He wonders if Zexion means it, or if he's just trying to get a rise out of him. If perhaps by distracting him, he will keep him from getting the information that he needs. Is this the Nobody's way of protecting him? Although why would he do that, if he claims to not feel anything towards Riku? "I mean it! Tell me what it is that I need to do, and I'll prove it to you!"

Zexion stands, lips tight as his hands slip out of Riku's grasp. It takes every ounce of self-control not to reach out and take them again, to feel that cold skin now slightly warmed by his own body heat. Zexion is always so cold, not only in personality but in figure as well. And his words now are chilly as he demands, "Give me one good reason why I should tell you."

He doesn't flinch from the question, nor from the answer. "Because I'm not going to give up on this. I need Roxas to wake up Sora. You said so yourself, and so that's all there is to it. Either I'm going to succeed and bring Roxas back, or I'll die in the attempt."

Zexion glares at him, "That is a low blow and you know it."

"I do," he replies simply. "But that is where I stand. I'm not backing down from this one, Zexion. Just like I'm not backing down from trying to make something happen between the two of us. You might consider it a fool's errand, but I mean what I say. I'm not going to just give up."

"Good for you," Zexion says. And Riku is somewhat surprised to realize that his lover—the word sounds dully empty, no matter how much he means it—is not being at all sarcastic. Instead, he sounds tired, as if knowing that things are coming to an end. For this is the turning point, and Zexion finally looks away. "I need time to think about this."

"Okay," he replies. And then, more quietly, "Sorry for putting you in this position."

"I've dealt with worse."

Riku decides not to ask what that is supposed to mean.

**End Notes:**

Yay! Relationship stuff is a-happening! Speaking of things that are happening, I've rather randomly started working on a sequel to this story. It's sort of turning out to be pretty long, but I'm not sure if it's because the fic is going to be taking over the span of at least a decade. Hopefully nobody is going to be against another long-ish fic? (grins)

Well, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Reviews are always appreciated, or everyone can just wait for another law school decision (innocent look!).

Thanks for reading!  
PM


	6. Metamorphosis

_Butterfly Kisses_

We're reaching the end of the story, folks. Well, by end I mean… one more chapter after this one, and then a sorta epilogue-ish thing.

Not much to say, except to thank the readers, reviewers (The White Raven013 and Someone2003, seriously, your reviews are so awesome that I honestly don't care if nobody else comments), and of course, Coffee-Flavored Fate for beta-ing.

I wish I could be more witty right now, but at the time that I wrote these notes I was hungry and half my face was numb from a dentist trip. I'm not quite sure what my excuse is right now... laziness?

**VI. Metamorphosis**

In the end, Riku is sure that the only reason why Zexion finally gives in is because it is the only way he knows how to show that he cares too.

It's almost enough to make Riku feel guilty, using Zexion's 'feelings' for him to convince the guy to do something he so obviously doesn't want to do. But what choice does he have? Still, it doesn't matter how much he goes on about inevitability and 'the greater good'; the expression on Zexion's face when the Nobody tells him he will help Riku open himself up to darkness is enough to make him want to beg for forgiveness.

He doesn't, of course. Although he wonders rather cruelly if DiZ (or Ansem?) is watching right now, and what he thinks about the whole thing.

The process, Zexion explains in an offhand way (that still manages to insinuate that Riku is a _fucking moron_, no doubt about it although not in so many words), is actually quite simple to start but not to reverse. It requires very little in terms of action, and more in iron will and not giving in to the point of losing himself completely. Should Riku have a single moment of weakness, the darkness can consume him and leave nothing but an empty shell. The possibility of that being quite high, Riku needs to really look into himself and decide whether or not this is the path he wants. For any sign of doubts and second thoughts, and he will be opening himself up to utter destruction.

Riku listens to this explanation with a stony expression, and tries to fight down the slight fear that is curling inside of him. There are no doubts; no doubts except for Zexion's, and Riku needs to keep them distinct. As much as he cares for Zexion, appreciates the attempt at sentiment, this is a point that they will simply have to differ on. He has no second-guesses. He knows what he wants. And he will do everything necessary for that goal, even if the costs are so great.

For the other difficult thing about this change is dealing with the consequences. Things will never be the same. Things will never go back to what he once had. Zexion seems to think that driving this point in might make Riku change his mind before things go too far, but again, that is one of those things he has already come to terms with. Hasn't he dealt with similar changes enough already this year? The most important of which is standing right before him.

Zexion is obviously quite upset with his decision, if the nasty barbs are anything to judge by. He listens to them quietly, barely bats an eye except when biological need to blink kicks in, and Zexion seems quite irritated by this. It's sorta like before, when Riku chose to go after Roxas while on the middling path, except this time he's done what Zexion wants and it's still not enough. Well, at least it's nice to know that he won't be the only one disappointed in this relationship, although really that's not a very nice thing to think at all.

Well, there isn't too much he can do about that, unfortunately.

"You do realize that this is all completely ridiculous?" Zexion asks, having finished his long, drawled explanation with plenty of gruesome details about other people who had done similar things—he had not been very specific with names and the like, leading Riku to wonder if any of these 'other people' had actually existed. "That if you fail at this, Sora will be sleeping forever?"

"It's no use trying to guilt me like that," Riku replies dryly. "Or trying to scare me. That story about the guy who got turned inside out was an interesting touch."

Zexion turns slightly red. Riku can't really tell if it's anger or actual shame at getting caught. Zexion covers up for it nicely though, coughing softly before saying a tad sulkily, "Well, it could have happened. You never know. Strange things happen to those who tangle with the darkness."

"Yeah, and you would know all about that."

"Don't make light of the situation, Riku. You are risking more than your life with this little venture of yours. I am simply making sure that you are fully aware of the potential consequences."

"I am. Thanks for your concern."

"Nobodies cannot feel concern."

He sighs. "I don't believe that."

"And you are an idiot, which is why I will not take your opinion into account."

"Look, I'm sorry. But I have to do this."

"You keep saying that. That you're sorry. That you _have_ to be an idiot. If you are really so sorry, then wouldn't you have rethought this by now?"

"That's not how it works." He moves to embrace Zexion, who steps out of his way and makes him look like a fucking moron by hugging empty air.

"And that is not going to work. Take your sexual frustrations somewhere else, Riku. I am not interested in indulging you today. I think I have done enough of that already by satisfying your curiosity, despite the consequences to your person."

"I'm not sexually frustrated." _Not yet anyway_, he silently tells himself, and if he doesn't want to screw himself over in the very, very near future, he will do well to keep that thought to himself. So he decides for the sake of his sanity and future sex drive, to change the subject . "Who's Ansem?"

Zexion stiffens, but tries to keep his composure. "What do you mean by that?"

"Well, I always thought that the Heartless Sora and I fought, the Heartless that's inside me… that he was Ansem. But then, when I came back after my… fight," a generous description, to say the least, "with Roxas, you called DiZ-"

"Ah." The soft sound is enough to cause him to fall silent, and he waits patiently for the explanation. But instead Zexion looks a little distant as he says, "I thought you were unconscious, or I would not have said such things. And I admit, I lost myself a little in that situation. Regrettable, but that is what-"

"Ansem the Wise," he says, not interested in getting stonewalled. "DiZ is Ansem? But how is that his Heartless then? I don't understand. Is he also a Nobody?"

Again, Riku wonders if DiZ is watching. Granted, the man probably has better things to do than watch them, but… DiZ always seems to know more than what he should. But despite his paranoia, nothing is flying towards them to make the conversation end. Which might actually be a problem for Zexion as he doesn't look particularly interested in elaborating. But in the end, he does, despite whatever misgivings he has.

"The Heartless you know as Ansem is in reality the Heartless of a man named Xehanort. He took Ansem's name back when he was still human." Zexion definitely looks uncomfortable, and Riku wonders if it's because of the conversation topic or if Zexion is also wondering if DiZ is watching. "With some prodding on our half, admittedly. He might not have done so if it was not for us."

"So then DiZ is the real Ansem," he says.

Zexion shrugs slightly, looking away to watch the sun suspended forever at that half-way point between light and dark. "The original one, if that is what you mean. The true ruler of Radiant Garden, although you know it now as Hollow Bastion. We… well, Ienzo and the others were the apprentices of the man, back… before. They studied the heart. They got too close to the darkness. And this," he swept a hand, indicating himself with a small laugh, "is what happened. This is what you get when you invite the darkness in. A being with no heart. A being with no soul."

"If you're trying to make me change my mind…."

"I think a part of me has rather given up on that," Zexion replies. "You are right, I suppose. This is something that you must do. But who would I be if I did not try to deter you?"

Riku steps close so that their faces are almost touching. It's a testament to their relationship that Zexion does not draw back, although the discomfort is no longer about what they were talking about.

"I know," he says quietly. "And I appreciate it. I really do. But-"

Zexion forces him to quiet as a cold finger presses against his mouth. "Enough." The word is low. "Please. Enough."

Riku doesn't know how to respond to that, but it turns out that he doesn't have to when Zexion replaces the finger with his lips, and the gesture is as cold and detached as their previous kisses. But Riku appreciates the thought, knows that this is the best Zexion can do, and so he wraps his arms around that thin waist and draws him close.

* * *

Kissing Zexion is like kissing a butterfly. It's so insubstantial that it barely feels like anything. Maybe his expectations are just a little skewed 'cause he's so used to Kairi's comics where the kisses are so passionate it looks like the lovers are trying to eat each other's faces. Probably it's because that is all they can have. With Zexion, it's always like the brush of a fragile wing against his lips, and he's not even _trying_ to be poetic. But that doesn't change the fact that really, it might as well not be there.

Except it is.

He wants, almost, to lean into the kiss and deepen it, but on some innate level he knows that should he try, the butterfly wings will break. And the last thing he needs right now is to be left with the pieces, although really, something like that might just be unavoidable.

So he pulls back. Starts to get up to go, but thin hands seize his sleeve, pulling back. "Not yet."

"I can't put it off any longer," he replies softly, even as he marvels at how different Zexion looks with his already messy hair even more mussed up, his coat pulled down low enough to reveal slim shoulders that border on being all too thin, pale skin slightly flushed. It is the moment he has dreamed about often enough (usually in the cold shower), ever since he had started to have feelings for the guy. But as much as he would like to stay here and bask in the scene some more, he knows that 'duty' calls, that he cannot stay regardless of what he wants. Or Zexion. Or Zexion's way of trying to keep him here.

That Zexion would go this far is a sign of the Nobody's increasing desperation.

"Yes, you can," Zexion corrects harshly, his grip tightening. "You have time."

"I might. But Sora has been asleep long enough. It's time for him to wake up."

"He can sleep for a few more moments. You, on the other hand, are about to make a decision that can change the course of your life. Shouldn't you pause to think about it some more?"

"I have thought about it." He hesitates for a moment, and then very slowly reaches over to put his hand over where Zexion's heart should be. He doesn't know why, doesn't know why he does it or why Zexion lets him, or what the point of it is.

But for a long moment, they remain like this. Zexion holding to his sleeve, and his own hand lightly pressed against Zexion's chest.

He feels nothing. No steady beat of the heart pumping blood, barely can feel the chest moving as Zexion breathes in and out. Everything is still, probably because nothing is there.

His hand falls away. And knowing what has prompted this, Zexion sighs and finally surrenders his grasp, letting go and edging back slightly. It's strange how he manages to stand out so well in the darkened study, with the blinds drawn so that only the faintest slivers of the setting sun create lines of light on the walls and bookshelves. Riku distantly remembers a time when Zexion was behind glass walls, the artificiality of the basement making everything disappear in their fluorescent glow. But here, now, it is just the opposite effect. Perhaps the darkness really is Zexion's element, for he seems to control it so well without any powers to his name. With such pale skin and gray hair, all lost in the folds of long black cloth, Zexion should be fading into the background. And yet Riku cannot take his eyes off of him, drinking in this moment because he knows it will be his last. Things will never be the same after this, but he knows there is no going back. Not anymore.

"Sorry," he says again. The apology is open-ended; after all, there is so much that he should be apologizing for that it's hard to know where to begin. Best to just own up to it all at the same time; he has a feeling that neither of them are interested in long farewells.

And since when exactly had this become a farewell?

Zexion shrugs, pulling his coat back up in an elegant motion before combing his fingers through messy hair in a vain attempt to return them to some semblance of order. "I believe I am rather beginning to hate that word," is all he says.

Since the only way he knows how to respond to that statement is by using 'that word' again, Riku just says, "Then I guess I'll be going now."

"Farewell," is the blunt response. "It was nice knowing you."

* * *

The blindfold flutters to the ground, a long ribbon of black as he looks, for the first time, with clear eyes at Sora's Nobody.

He puts it off as long as he can. But Roxas is too strong for him to beat, no matter how he tries. He has no choice; he always knew that he didn't have a choice, but while he is determined he of course wishes there could have been another way. But no, this is how it needs to be. It is just as he told Zexion; someone has to be the dark to Sora's light, and with such untapped power within him what is the point of wasting it? Riku knows that he has to be practical, to utilize what he has been given, even at the risks to himself.

As Roxas prepares to charge, he falls back. The blond stops, confused, and for a moment it's Sora all over again. Watching him, not understanding why his friend was acting this way. Except in this case he's not a friend but an enemy, someone who will lead Roxas to his own destruction for the sake of waking up another. Except Roxas is a part of Sora; doesn't that mean it will benefit the both of them?

He can justify it all he wants, but it doesn't matter. As much as he feels for the Nobody, who clings to the fact that he is himself and not just a part of another… he sees so much of Sora despite that emotionless façade that it makes it surprisingly easy to just open himself up to the darkness that lurks in his heart. The darkness that has lain there ever since he allowed it there in the first place.

Black nothingness seems to wrap around him, engulfing him. He sees nothing. Feels nothing, not even ground to stand on (oh wait, he vaguely remembers floating up, so of course there is no ground), just the suffocating darkness that threatens to choke and overwhelm him.

And then he hears it.

_**Again?**_ the familiar voice hisses. It almost sounds bored, but the mocking lilt angers him all the same. _**You will fight me again?**_

_I won last time,_ he thinks furiously. _I'll win again this time._

Ansem laughs. The sound echoes off the darkness, multiplying in volume until he can hear nothing else except for his own harsh breathing._**Fool. You are a fool to think that you can win against that boy, fool to think that you can control the darkness, fool to think that you can love a Nobody. But soon you will be nothing, and that is vastly superior to being a fool**_

_I'm not_, he replies. The fury has dissipated as quickly as it has come; he knows he cannot be angry here. Anger will only fuel the darkness, and he needs to control it. How can he master it if he cannot manage to calm his own temper? He forces himself to feel nothing, forces himself to remember the empty nothingness as Zexion watched him go, never calling him back. Never showing anything. Never doing anything.

_**You think you can win? You think he cares? Why do you delude yourself so?**_

_You are one to speak of delusions, Xehanort,_ he says calmly. The darkness seems to rear back, distancing itself._Calling yourself Ansem, abandoning your own name. You could not be satisfied with who you were, and had to take on another's identity to make something of yourself?_

_**You know not of what you speak**_, the monster within him snarls.

_Actually, I think I do._ And with that calm assertion, he seizes the opening that has been presented to him. Distracted by the truths, distracted by reality, the false Ansem is temporarily blinded to the point that it is unable to react as Riku, teeth gritted, takes control of the darkness around him and forces it to bend to his will. And in the process, he pushes the Heartless out. Pushes down ruthlessly, ending that mocking, tempting voice that had once convinced him to give up. Slowly at first, and then gaining in momentum, he seizes control of his life, of his existence, of who he is and what he is and what he will do—and with an indifference that would have frightened him in any other circumstance—asks,_ Who's the one lost in their own fantasy now, Xehanort?_

It all lasts a split-second, even though it seems to take ages. Roxas is still watching him with wide eyes, and he lets him for a second as he feels that dark being at his back. It feels too strange, too odd, but he doesn't think about it as he feels the power within him and uses it, quickly rushing forward in the blink of an eye. Before the Nobody can lift up his weapons, before he can even react, he orders fingers that are not his to grab Roxas before he can even _think_ to attack.

Roxas is lifted off the ground, struggling against an opponent he cannot hope to match. The Keyblades clatter to the ground with a dull echo before they flash and die out, leaving nothing behind.

"Darkness's power," he says simply in explanation, but Roxas isn't really listening, still focused on trying to escape. But it is already over, and it does not take long for his thrashing to fall still, for the eyes to close in pained exhaustion, for Riku to make good on his promise and to actually _win_.

Yet as he looks at the blond sprawled at his feet, the face oddly at peace despite what the body had just gone through, he cannot help but think that the victory is a hollow one.

It's for the greater good, he tells himself as the portal opens up behind him and he quickly turns away to hike up the hood so that DiZ cannot see his face. He does not want the man to see him like this, although for whose sake he isn't sure. He wonders if DiZ senses it, the change, but does not think to ask.

Unbidden, his hand reaches up to his chest, just as he had done with Zexion not so very long ago. He feels decided relief when there is still the faint beat of his own heart there, no matter how he now looks on the exterior.

* * *

The look that Zexion gives him when he removes the hood to reveal Ansem's face is not the one that he'd expected. Best case scenario was exasperation at his brainless actions. Mixed in with a bit of scientific curiosity (old habits die hard), and maybe even some triumph at being right. He had at least expected the usual 'I told you so' look, something Zexion particularly excels at. But even in his absolute worst case scenario, he could not have anticipated the flicker of fear (except Nobodies _can't_ feel fear, can they?) that dances across his face… that is the last thing he could have expected.

"I won this time," he says, trying to dispel the silence.

"I can see that," Zexion replies, in a way that screams '_no shit_', if he had been the kind of person to use such language. The words are clipped, abrupt. Stiff. His extreme makeover is obviously not making Zexion happy; no amount of anticipation will ever be enough. "Thank you for pointing out the obvious."

"There isn't any need to snap."

They are silent for a moment. Then Zexion says, rather pointedly, "You know, you do not have to speak like that."

Riku blinks, honestly bewildered by this remark. "What do you mean by that?"

"Your voice. There is no reason why you need to be using _his_. Unless you actually enjoy it," Zexion adds sarcastically, and Riku flushes slightly. Or Ansem does. Or Xehanort. Or… _whatever._

"I don't," he replies a little too quickly. "How do I-?"

"You have taken his form, but you must remember that you are not him. You are not Xehanort. Just find yourself within that form."

He grimaces, "Think you can be a little more specific than that?"

"No." Zexion is looking him over, apparently still trying to accept that the person standing before him is really Riku. He would have thought that someone as painfully logical as Zexion would have managed it no problem, but apparently things aren't always that easy. "It is not one of the things that can be explained. You need to figure it out on your own. After all, it is your body."

Riku frowns but does his best, trying to reach inside of him. Everything seems painfully unfamiliar, and his eyes keep sliding to the skin that is too dark, the hands that are too large, the body that just isn't _his_. He can't concentrate, can't move beyond the fact that this is not him, this is not Riku, and even though he has enough control to keep the darkness from overwhelming him, the panicky despair is an entirely different story.

Zexion really was right in saying that he might not be able to deal with the consequences. It hasn't even been that long and he's having trouble keeping calm. Yeah, he had won. Yeah, he had more powers now. But how was he supposed to live with this body, the body of the man who had tormented him for so long? It had taken so much out of him just to beat his inner demon in Castle Oblivion, and now to spend the rest of his life _being_ him?

"It's harder than it looks," he mutters. Why is this so hard? He had expected this, prepared for this, but why it is still so damn _hard_?

"Is it?" And before he knows what is happening, Zexion is close and cold hands are gripping his head, forcing him to look down at the implacable face. One hand drops and then Zexion is pulling the zipper of his coat down, causing him to yelp in surprise. Zexion ignores that though, intent on his work as he reveals tanned chest, and Riku doesn't have time to ask what the _hell_ he's doing before cold fingers rest lightly on the area above his heart.

He can almost see his own heart beating, and Zexion closes his eyes and seems to lose himself to that soothing rhythm.

"This is yours," Zexion says with calm finality. The words are spoken in such a monotone that they are almost mesmerizing in their soft emptiness. "The form may not be yours, but _this_ is still yours. It is still you. You may look like him, but you are not him. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you will be able to move on. After everything you have been through, will you let your physical appearance bring you down? You have controlled the darkness. Now you simply have to remember how to control yourself."

"I-" he starts, but Zexion shakes his head, eyes still closed.

"It is best not to speak," he explains. "And close your mouth. You look like a goldfish."

His mouth snaps shut, and his eyes close.

For the longest time, nothing happens. He feels a bit silly, standing here, waiting for something to happen when he can sense nothing except the beat of his heart and those cold fingers. One hand still holding onto his face, the other resting on his skin. And although it goes against reason, goes against Zexion's unspoken command, he lets his eyes (orange, not green, not really _his_) open to fixate on the figure before him.

Gray hair. Pale skin. Black Organization robes. The gloves had been shed long ago; Riku cannot remember when. He had always taken them off in the kitchen and one day had stopped wearing them altogether. Riku had liked that, like watching those long elegant fingers perfect for writing turn the pages of his books. Dark blue eyes now closed, expression almost serene; he never looks like that. The calm indifference is replaced almost by the gentleness of peace, and his breathing is slow and even.

Why is he doing any of this? Riku does not know. Zexion always claims not to care, claims not to be capable of caring. And yet here he is, helping him, trying to bring him back, trying to make him whole. A being who is not complete in itself is trying to help _him_ be whole.

Riku wonders. Is this why he loves the Nobody, despite the irrationality of such a thing? Is this why as he looks at him, it feels like a calming effect is washing over him, the painful panic of losing himself slowly residing? Why that touch which is so cold makes him feel sure, sure of himself, sure of his decisions? He doesn't know why any of this is. He doesn't. But all he knows, all he needs to know is that this is the way things are, and this is the person who he has become. It doesn't always make sense, but it doesn't have to. He has become his own person, one who cannot always be caught up in the past. He has a life, he has people to care for, he has someone to love no matter what. These things are his, and no matter his form, they cannot be taken away from him.

"Zexion." His mouth is dry, the name hoarse, but the voice is _his_.

Zexion smiles, eyes opening. He does not step away as he says, "See? That was not so hard, was it?"

He laughs, "Guess not." He's starting to reach over to Zexion, to bring him even closer than their current proximity, but before he can a cold voice seems to rip through his senses.

"Riku."

They jump away from each other, almost like two children who had just been caught by daddy snogging. Or at least Riku does as he fumbles to bring up the hood of his cloak so that DiZ can't see his face. Zexion in comparison reacts more calmly, his hands falling back to his sides as he quickly looks away to glare holes into the wall. DiZ does not comment on their display, instead looking at them with an unreadable expression before gesturing for Riku to follow him.

He does, without question. His only concession is a brief glance back at Zexion, who is gliding towards his usual seat by the study window.

Riku waits for the heavy door to close before he fixes Ansem with a dark look. It's kinda weird to be able to see eye-to-eye with the man (theoretically, since he's actually looking at the back of his head right now) after usually having to look up at him, but then, it's also kinda weird to think of him as anyone other than a red-clothed hobo.

Ansem the Wise, huh?

"What?" he asks, his voice cracking as it dances between the other Ansem-slash-Xehanort's voice and his own. Because the voice is still not his, although he's trying to force it to be. But it seems at this point he still needs more practice to maintain his own voice, and he feels too jumpy for that right now. So he swallows and decides to settle for that deep baritone voice that once haunted his nightmares, and can now follow him into his waking hours too. "Is there something else that you need?"

"Yes," DiZ answers shortly, not even bothering to glance back at him as he leads the way to the library. "Now that you have brought me Roxas, we need to make arrangements for keeping him from the Organization."

"What do you plan on doing?"

"I think I will place him in a virtual simulation of this world." Riku blinks, having absolutely no clue what that is supposed to mean. "But that is not what I wished to speak to you about."

"Oh?" he asks. The word sounds mocking, even though he did not mean it too. He frowns, resisting the urge to prod at his throat in order to figure out what just happened there, but Ansem does not seem particularly offended.

"Well. Now that you have brought me Roxas, we have no need for the other Nobody."

Riku blinks as he tries to understand the implications of this. And his eyes fly open just in time for DiZ to say coldly, "Get rid of him."

End Notes:

My beta assures me that _there was no sex_ in this chapter's study scene. For which I am eternally grateful, since I spent about a week wailing to anyone who would listen to me (and trust me, there aren't too many of those) that my characters were having sex like wild rabbits without my know-how. What do you guys think?

I would say that the scene that surprised me the most in this entire story is (besides the attempts at sexing up, anyway) is that last scene up there between Zexion and Riku post-transformation. It's surprising because… seriously, it wasn't supposed to happen. In my original notes all that got written was the discomfort Zexion showed when Riku-Xehanort came to him. So I honestly didn't think that it was Zexion who was going to help him get comfortable with that body, and I really liked how it turned out. I guess I can surprise myself sometimes (laugh). In fact, I'd go so far as to say that this would have been my favorite chapter **if** not for the actual transformation scene and the Riku-Roxas battle, since I hate writing battles. And as you can probably tell, I'm not very good at them either. But it did have the most... plot-advancement, I guess. Or at least the most of getting from post-CoM to definite pre-KH2. Which in a way is the entire point of this story - telling how one led to the other.

Not much else to ramble about. But I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Reviews are always appreciated too, if only because one of you guys wants to shatter my hopes about the lack of NC-17 activities going on in that study (wow, that study sees a lot of action).

PM


	7. The Beginning of the End

_Butterfly Kisses_

I'm afraid that compared to the doozy of the last two chapters (my favorites of this story by far), this one is a bit more dreary in comparison (sob). Well, I'll shut up and let you guys decide on whether or not I'm overreacting….

Anyhow, many thanks to the readers, reviewers, and of course, Coffee-Flavored Fate for beta-ing. Take into consideration, folks, that the poor dear did the entire fic in one go, which I personally suspect is death on the brain (grin).

**Seven: The Beginning of the End**

His mouth is dry. He feels almost like he can't breathe as he asks, "What?"

"Get rid of him," Ansem repeats calmly. "He is no longer necessary to our plans. He has served his purpose."

"And what purpose is that?" he demands, wanting to grab the man and force him to _face_ him, instead of acting like this is nothing. Nothing at all. Like it's as simple as that.

"What does it matter?" Ansem replies.

It doesn't, he guesses. It doesn't because he should have been smart to figure it out before, been smart enough to anticipate this happening instead of feeling like he's just been hit in the head with a Keyblade. Shit, he should have seen this. He should have… he should have known. DiZ wasn't keeping Zexion around in the hope he might impart some insight to Organization XIII's plots. He didn't need that, since he already knew what they were working towards (sorta hard not to know when there's a giant heart-shaped moon in the background, he supposes). What the man had been anticipating, instead, was that Zexion would be able to assist Riku in capturing Roxas. Not directly, no, of course not. But it had been Zexion who had taught him how to tap into the powers of the darkness. Zexion, who had forced him to understand exactly what he needed to do to win against Roxas.

Zexion, who had taught him that the only way to wake Sora up was to trade his very self for the Heartless's.

And it was Zexion who had understood much better than him what the other implications of this knowledge was, the consequences not for Riku, but for himself.

The words are now echoing in his head, the ones he had not taken seriously. The ones he had brushed off because _he had not thought…._

_My existence, as of now, currently depends on doing nothing. I do not know the precise reason why DiZ chooses to keep me here, __**alive**__, but I do know all too well that if I fulfill it, he will not have further use for me. And I have come too close to dying once before to wish to go through it again._

**Shit**.

"You can't possibly expect me to just… just… get rid of him like that," he snarls, slamming his fist into the wall. This is finally enough to cause DiZ to look over at him, an expression of mild surprise barely visible behind those red bandages. "How-?"

"How what?" DiZ replies. "He doesn't love you, Riku. He cannot. Even if he wanted to, he cannot. A Nobody cannot feel emotions. It is really quite pitiable. And I would have thought that you would be wise enough to understand this; otherwise, I would not have allowed you two to come into such contact." Riku opens his mouth to interrupt; after all, Ansem is the one who _wanted_ them to interact. If they hadn't, how would Riku have ever learned how to defeat Roxas? Except the man must have oh-so-conveniently forgot about that, unless he means to imply that he would have figured out how to get it out of Zexion some other way? "I warned you not to get caught up in his deceits. You would have done well to remember that."

"It's not like that," he says, his voice cracking. But this time it's not because of the Heartless's voice slipping into his own; it's the other way around this time. It's his voice that is mixing with Xehanort's.

"It isn't?" DiZ asks.

"He wasn't the one who wanted this," he points out, trying to stay calm. Not sure what he will feel if he doesn't. "I was. I was the one who started it."

"I know." Riku wonders exactly how much the man knows, how much he has kept hidden all these past months. He wonders if DiZ also knows exactly how Riku managed to win against Roxas, if he knows that under the dark hood is the face of Ansem the Wise's foremost apprentice. It's almost tempting to show himself, to see his reaction, but he doesn't have time for such petty revenges. He has other things to worry about.

_Zexion_.

"Then you know why I can't do it. Unless you're gonna tell me that getting rid of him is also necessary to waking Sora up?" Instead of cracking, his voice now seems to just shift. In and out of his and Xehanort's voices, deep and deeper, cold and angry, monotone and blearily emotional. To himself he sounds like he's going insane, but Ansem never blinks an eye at this strange behavior.

"It isn't," DiZ admits readily. "But what do you propose will happen, Riku? What do you think will ever happen? He is a Nobody. He no longer truly exists. The person he once was is gone; all you see now is his shell."

Except that is what he has fallen in love with. He had never known Ienzo. He did not know who Ienzo was, what he was like. All he knows is Zexion, and that has been enough for him. "Yeah, I know that. And I've known that since the beginning."

"So then what exactly are you trying to protect? I assure you, the sentiment is not returned. He is not capable of it."

And of course, logically Ansem's right. But then how does that explain the _illogical_ things? Those flashes of emotions, the gentle peace of satisfaction, the bouts of Zexion's own irrational decisions? For someone who claims to only act on logic and reason, Zexion has certainly begun to act in incomprehensible ways. Why else would he have told Riku how to tap into the powers of darkness, when it was certain to cost him his very existence? Why would he care to bring Riku back to himself, when there was no profit for him? Why would he have ever reached out to him in the first place, allowed him to make a relationship—romantic, platonic, or otherwise? Why would he ever have bothered to leave the lab, when there was absolutely no reason for him to?

"You'd be surprised," he replies quietly (his voice). "He is capable of more than you think."

Ansem looks at him with a look of disappointment at his naiveté. "Of that I am quite certain. But in what ways, do you think?"

He doesn't answer. He doesn't want to deal with this conversation. Instead he turns to go, and DiZ's dark promise follows him as he storms down the stairs. "I meant what I said, Riku. Get rid of him, or _I_ will."

* * *

It kinda pisses him off that Zexion is _completely_ unsurprised by this turn in events, and it really doesn't make Riku feel any better when the Nobody just fixes him with an odd look. "You didn't know?"

"Er." He searches for something else to say, something to keep Zexion from thinking that he's a total moron. No, wait, judging by Zexion's disbelieving gaze it's probably way too late for that, but he still tries to cling to his last shreds of dignity. "So you're not surprised, huh?"

Zexion shrugs slightly, leaning back in the study chair, hands folded in his lap. He's sitting cross-legged on the chair; it looks uncomfortable but Zexion seems to like it. He's almost always sitting in that position. Riku wonders why he never really noticed it before, or maybe it had just become so familiar that he had stopped wondering about it. But now things are different, and he keeps looking at everything—no matter how familiar it is—as if for the very first time. "It is deplorable, but not completely unexpected. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I anticipated it. He wishes for revenge. I am not immune to that sentiment." Zexion pauses, looking somewhat thoughtful. "Perhaps, considering my role in his downfall, even more so."

He stares at Zexion, wondering how the hell the guy can be so calm. Ansem is trying to _kill_ him. And yet he's ten times more worried that Zexion is, although he guesses he has a slight advantage in that he can feel worry in the first place. But still. Wouldn't Nobodies have enough survival instinct to react in the face of imminent danger? Unless Zexion's calm is only because he's been waiting for this moment since he got here. "If you knew this was going to happen, why didn't you ever try to leave?!"

"I couldn't."

"But you never even _tried_."

Zexion lets out a sigh, blowing the hair out of his eye for just a second. He tends to do that too when he's exasperated. "Honestly, Riku. You think I would have tried something like that when you were watching, just waiting for an excuse to stab a few holes in me?"

He blushes. Hopefully it doesn't show on the dark skin. So yeah, okay, he had been a little jumpy at the beginning, but it was to be expected! Zexion had tried to kill him. Although obviously that wasn't enough to keep him from liking the guy. Maybe murder was the new type of foreplay. And seriously, seriously needed his brain to shut up.

Zexion seems to take his silence for disbelief, and so he elaborates, "Well. Contrary to your beliefs, I did try. Several times, in fact. It did not work, and I did not want to tempt you or _him_ into keeping a closer reign on me. So I resigned myself to this fate." Zexion looks at him for a moment, then reaches out to take his hand. "It was not so bad. At any rate, I could not return to the Organization. Without my powers, I would have been of little use to them and my existence would no doubt have been terminated."

"But you were facing that here too," he replies, covering Zexion's hand with his other. So cold. He can never really get over that, even after all this time.

"I had more time this way." A small, perhaps self-mocking smile. "And admittedly, the company here was preferable, since Lexaeus and Vexen had been done away with."

"I'm-" he starts automatically, but Zexion stops him by casually taking a book with his free hand and lobbing it at Riku's head.

"Don't," he says, calm and implacable as if he had not just hit Riku with a three hundred page monster on the stress-relieving effects of meditation. "I do not like empty words, regardless of the sentiment behind them."

"But they're not empty if they have a sentiment behind them," he points out.

"They are empty to me," Zexion counters his observation with a painfully logical one of his own. "And Riku. You should not be worrying about me. Now that Ansem's plans are in motion, Sora will be awakening soon and you will find that you have plenty to keep you distracted."

"You really think I'm just going to abandon you?" Riku replies, feeling a bit pissed. "What, did you think that this was just something to keep me occupied while I waited for Sora to wake up?"

"To be honest, I do not know what to think. You have not acted in a very logical manner."

He snorts. He would have crossed his arms if his hands hadn't been occupied already, and he doesn't want to let go _regardless_ of what logic is telling them both. "Yeah, well, I'm not the only one. What about you? Why did you tell me how to bring Roxas back if you knew this would happen?"

"I did not think you would-"

"You knew how determined I was. You _knew_."

Zexion is silent, hand slackened so that the only thing keeping it up is Riku's own hands. Then, very quietly, he says, "I do not know."

Riku nods. "Yeah. That's what I thought too."

He allows Zexion's hand slip out of his as he steps away, and luckily for him Zexion is not offended as the Nobody simply asks, "Where are you going?"

"To see how I can solve this mess."

Zexion sighs again, "Give it up, Riku. You have more important things to worry about."

He grins, although he has a feeling (or it might just be Zexion's slight flinch) that the sight of Xehanort smiling like that is not the most reassuring thing ever. "I can't ignore it, Zexion. Like I said. There are just some things that I have to do."

* * *

It seems that Riku really is the only person who never managed to figure out how disposable they all were in the grand scheme of things. When he enters the White Room, Naminé does not look at all surprised to see him. She doesn't even seem surprised by his new appearance, instead smiling sadly as he pulls down the hood. Maybe it's because she knew this was going to happen, maybe it's because she just knows it's him. He wouldn't be surprised if it's the latter; Kairi was the same way, and he never really questioned it.

Her expression changes to pity when he explains the situation.

It takes him a moment to realize that she is fully expecting the same thing to happen to her as well once Sora has woken up. The thought is disturbing, and he wonders if DiZ really would go so far as to dispose of even Naminé, after everything she has done. But no matter how much he doesn't accept it, she is still a Nobody. It is a fact that is inescapable, especially for someone like DiZ.

Even now, he doesn't really know what to think of that man. It has been so long but he still seems to be so painfully incomprehensible, the fluctuations between hatred and sadness making him seem almost schizophrenic. Sometimes it's best that Ansem just remain coldly calculating in the background, that he not show his motivations because when he does, Riku never knows whether to hit him or pity him. Sometimes both at the same time, in fact.

"So what are you going to do?" she asks as he paces the room.

"Well, I know I'm not just going to leave him here," he replies, scowling at the door. He feels angry; part of it is directed at Zexion for being so infuriatingly calm about all of this, some of if at DiZ for putting him in this position, and most of it at himself for being so stupid as to be blindsided by all of this. He really, really should have expected it. "DiZ made it perfectly clear what would happen if I didn't take care of things."

He wonders if Ansem is watching them even now. The chance of that is pretty high, but at the same time he has a feeling that the man is going to be busy dealing with Roxas. And he can't help but feel a pang of guilt at that, that he's delivered Roxas into a clearly unstable man's hands, but it's for the best. Really, it is. Despite his worries about Ansem's character, he does… does truly believe that Roxas will be better off this way, although how much of that is his own guilt trying to assuage itself, he doesn't know.

But he forces himself to push that out of his head as he turns to face Naminé. "I think I'm going to need your help."

She smiles. Oh yes. She had expected this, and he thinks he sees relief in her eyes as well. And he knows that he will not have to reassure her that he will protect her as well, once this is all over.

"Whatever you need, Riku."

* * *

"So…" he lets the word hang in the air as he tries to figure out a way to say what he needs to say. Nothing comes up, so he gives up and asks instead, "You want to say good-bye to Naminé?"

Zexion turns to fix him with a level stare while his hands continue to work quickly. "What do you think?"

"… right. Yeah. Okay," he mutters. Well, what else should he have expected? There is no lost love between the two Nobodies; there isn't really much of anything at all, despite the change in attitude towards Riku. Zexion remains indifferent to everyone else, and Riku has a feeling that the only reason why Naminé cares is for his sake, rather than Zexion's. He nods, but it's really to himself as Zexion turns back to his work, and Riku fidgets as he looks around nervously, as if trying to find the hidden cameras.

He doesn't know if this will work. It should. There's no reason for it not to because it's a fairly simple plan, and the only real issue was finding the right one. But what would happen if Ansem interferes? There's so much animosity between him and Zexion, and it's obvious that the man knows how he feels for the Nobody. That he wouldn't really just give in like this. He wouldn't be surprised if Ansem had anticipated that he would do something like this, especially when it's not the most elaborate plan ever. Hell, it's pretty damn predictable. But he has neither heard nor seen Ansem since their conversation near the stairs, and he wonders if the silence is safe or ominous.

Yet he doesn't really have time to worry about that, as big a problem as it is. He can only hope that the choice that he and Naminé made will be enough to keep Zexion safe, although between them Zexion seems to be the one who is most disinterested in his own welfare. It's enough to make Riku scowl, but then he's pretty used to it. He scowls anyway. "Ready?"

"In a moment," Zexion replies a touch impatiently, as if he is the one waiting for Riku rather than it being the other way around. Riku can't tell what he's doing, but he's too busy looking around to make sure Ansem doesn't show up that he hasn't really bothered to try. "You really do not have to do this, Riku."

He lifts his eyes up to the ceiling and asks Kingdom Hearts to gift him with some measure of calm. His nerves are already strung tight, and the last thing he needs is to have to explain things to Zexion _again_. Although it's not really explaining when the guy gets it, but seems to be intent on refusing to understand the 'why' behind it all. "Look, we've already been through this. Can we not argue about it? _Again?_"

Zexion half-turns to look at him, eyebrows raised. And he knows for a fact that it's _definitely_ eyebrows, as in both of them. Because over the months he's been able to find the perfect angle to clearly see both of them going up despite the hair that is in the way. But only when he's exasperated. When Zexion's curious, just one eyebrow goes up. The visible one, most of the time, but sometimes not. "We are not arguing," he replies in a maddeningly calm way.

"Okay, okay," he replies quickly. Now is not the time to get Zexion into one of their hour long arguments about… anything and everything, and sometimes nothing at all. It seems that no topic is safe from them, no subject too sacred for them not to broach. "But can you just… accept it, alright? We don't have much time, and I'm not going to change my mind."

"You are a stubborn man, Riku."

"I've heard that before. Mostly from you."

"You know, half your stubbornness can in all likelihood be attributed to an acute inability to listen to reason. Here." And before he has had time to process that cheery little insult, Zexion shoves a bundle of fabric in his arms.

He blinks at it dumbly. "What's this?"

Zexion smiles and gestures vaguely. "Well. I thought you might like to have something that… suits your unique style." It doesn't take a rocket scientist to hear the mild contempt in that 'unique'. He grins a bit as he remembers Zexion's more colorful commentary on his old outfit. "So I decided to make you a little something. I assure you that it is bright enough to make anyone who looks at you too long wish that they had never been born. And failing at that, to at least go temporarily blind. Although why you could never appreciate the neat simplicity of black-"

Riku decides to ignore the rest of that particular rant (he's heard it enough times, anyway) as he pulls free a white vest with yellow edges and collar. It takes him only a split-second to decide that he likes it, even if it had not been made by the guy. But Zexion's right; it's definitely his style, especially compared to the dull black of the Organization coats. Despite his immediate liking of it, he immediately notes the problem as he turns to look at Zexion with furrowed brows. "Thanks… but isn't it a bit small?"

"Perhaps," is the vague reply.

He stares. "What are you trying to say, Zexion? I thought you said that this change was going to be permanent."

Zexion nods. "Oh yes, there is no doubt about that. All the research on the subject certainly indicates that your form will remain the same, even after you have ceased to rely on the powers of darkness. But at the same time, I suppose one can never be completely sure. There is always that maddening possibility that things will not work out quite as one expects them to. After all, hearts are such fickle things. Who is to predict what they will do when given the right opportunity?"

He folds the vest neatly, placing it along with the other clothes on the table. "Huh. Coming from you, I'd say that almost sounds like optimism. I thought you were a bit too scientific to leave things up to chance."

"Yes. It really is quite appalling how I have changed. I had rather hoped that this would not happen, but you have had an… interesting effect on me." Zexion smiles at him, and it might even have been considered quite… genuine. "I suppose I must thank you for that."

His mouth feels dry, and there's something stuck in his throat. It might be his heart, trying to migrate outward. He doesn't know. He doesn't _care_. Because it is the closest thing to 'I love you' that he will ever get.

"You're welcome," is all he knows how to say. But it feels terribly inadequate (what wouldn't right now?), so he covers for this lacking by leaning in to kiss Zexion one last time, and letting that speak for itself.

* * *

Truth be told, he doesn't know why he did it. There really was no point, when the chance of anyone taking up residence in the mansion after their departure was negligible, at best. And he feels no pleasure out of destroying the entrance to the study, but acting out his anger in a physical way was not the point of the exercise anyway.

Riku looks at his handiwork grimly, with the full knowledge that (N)obody will be able to get in now. Maybe that had been the point—that Zexion's room, now bereft of its owner, will stay just as distant from the rest of the world as its once-occupant now is.

Ansem does not comment on the destruction, but Riku seems to denote a measure of sadness in the other man. He cannot be sure if that is because it is really there, or if it's because it's something he desperately, desperately wants to see. Despite everything, despite the way Ansem had treated them all like pieces to a chess game (DiZ the King, Sora the Knight, Zexion and Naminé the pawns, and Riku the Court Jester who was blind to everyone and everything but most especially the reality of his very existence), he cannot help but feel sorry for the man. There is a pain in his actions, underneath all that rage, a pain that he sees in those moments when DiZ finally lets the mask to slip and be the person he once was.

"I think," he says quietly when he returns to the basement. "That I should get going."

There is no response as Ansem keeps his eyes fixated on the computer screens, despite the fact that they are off and now show nothing.

"I took care of Naminé," he continues. "And Sora's awake now, so I need to make sure he sticks to the right path. He… sorta has a tendency of taking detours." He smiles a bit fondly at that. Granted, some people might think Sora just has the attention spat of a gnat, but there's something endearing about his ability to get off-track. He's not the kind of person to turn down someone in need, and in no circumstance is that ever really a bad thing.

Still, Ansem says nothing. They had never talked that much to begin with, and conversation had trickled to a halt after Zexion's 'disappearance', of which Riku knows he is held responsible for. And then Ansem seemed to really sink into some sort of depression when Riku had finally revealed exactly what he had done in order to defeat Roxas. He had been kinda surprised by the fact that DiZ had_not_ known until he shown his face. How could he tell? The loud, maniacal laugh as Ansem was confronted with another one of the consequences of his revenge, the laugh that sounded so insane, so desperate and_painful_ that Riku had almost regretted letting him know at all.

He shuffles his feet slightly. In a way, he wants to get this over with but he doesn't want their parting to be so… empty. Of course this was never going to be easy, but… he didn't think it would be this hard too. "Good luck, I guess?"

There is still no response. He sighs, realizing that there might never be one, and he turns to go. But he has not even taken one step when the cold voice rings out through the room.

"Riku." DiZ doesn't turn to face him. "Why did you do it?"

He remembers someone else asking that same question. The context's a bit different this time around though, seeing how he's not the one doing the asking.

"Do what?" he replies. Just as Zexion had done, even though they had both known the answer to that question.

"Any of this. Why did you stay? Why did you give up so much to wake up Sora? Why did you help…" the voice trails off. Riku knows what it would have been about though, but DiZ seems unable to bring up the topic at all.

He shrugs. The answer is simple. He's known it all along. "Because I had to. Sora's my friend, and I wanted to help him. Naminé too. And him? I _loved_ him. Despite everything. I care for them, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that they're safe."

DiZ sighs, a soft sound. "That's good." The man stands, but still does not turn to face him. "It is good that you value your friendships and your loved ones. Even if-" He stops. Seems to decide against what he was going to say and shakes his head. "No. I will not say that. It is not worthy of me to say it. But you are an admirable man, Riku. Much more so than I ever was. I would wish you the best of luck as well, but you do not need this blind man's blessing to do as you have always done."

"Ansem…" he says softly, and he can just see the man's smile in the screen's reflection.

"I do not deserve to be called that any longer, Riku. Just as you do not deserve to be called by that name, and the curse it seems to bring upon people. Do not chain yourself to an old fool's failings. You of all people will accomplish so much more than that."

"I-" he starts, but like Ansem, thinks better of it. "Thank you."

But Ansem is no longer listening. Instead, he seems so terribly lost in himself. Riku takes this as a dismissal, and he can do nothing else but turn around and leave him to his thoughts.

* * *

End Notes:

On DiZ's character… that is how I personally see him. I find him a very, very dark character, and while he has a right to be… man, it's creepy. He's creepy, and it's not just because it's Saruman talking out of his mouth (although I do lurve Christopher Lee so; but shit, the Japanese voice is even _creepier_). He redeems himself at the end of the game but prior to that point—and the majority of this fic _is_ prior to that point—I wrote him the way I thought he would be. Maybe a shade darker than he might really have been, but maybe not. He's not a happy man, let me just say that. I hope I wrote him in the way he deserved, both good and bad.

On the layout of the Mansion, I did add a few rooms that obviously weren't there in the game. The kitchen, I guess, would be connected to the Dining Room. The Study is supposed to be the room that is blocked off in Kingdom Hearts II, across the Foyer from the Dining Room. I can't remember if they actually said what that room was (maybe _that_ was supposed to be the kitchen)… I just remember that I couldn't get in. As for bedrooms… no, I don't really know where they slept. Off the top of my head, I would guess that Naminé would sleep in the White Room, DiZ in the basement, Zexion in the study, and… no idea where Riku would sleep, seriously… (and it's best not to ask because my brain is being a tad perverted right now).

Anyhow, last chapter will be the last. Reviews are always appreciated! Be nice to your neighbors! Don't fall in love with people no hearts! And fish are friends, not food!

Sorry. Classes have started. My brain will be a bit spotty until the end of the school year...

PM


	8. Butterfly Kisses

Notes: Oh god, I hope I didn't give everyone the impression that the last chapter was the last chapter of the fic. I sorta felt I **did**, so I decided to hurry up and post this final chapter. It's probably my fault; in the end notes, I actually had meant to say 'next chapter is the last', and when I went back to read it, I was like, 'last chapter is the last? No, wait, _what_?' Unfortunately, it still made sense in my brain (the last chapter is the last, right?) so I left it, which is really a sign of how damn lazy I am.

But in all seriousness, this really is the last chapter. It takes place after KH2. It's also pretty short, unfortunately, but have at it folks.

Please enjoy (grin).

**Finale: Butterfly Kisses**

"We did it!" Sora screams into his ear, despite the fact that seconds earlier they were sucking in copious amounts of seawater. Sora's ability to bounce back from adversity is really something to admire. "We're back! We made it! We… Riku, what's wrong?"

He blinks, realizing that he had been staring at the Islands as if he had been gone for years. He practically had, and it's so… strange to be back. To be with Sora and Kairi (and of course, Mickey, Donald, and Goofy too), back home, back… _here_.

Back home.

Riku breathes in, the salty air making him grin just as crazily as Sora had. The familiarity of it all is almost overwhelming, but in a _good_ way. "Nothing's wrong. Nothing's…" and his voice trails off because… there is something wrong. There is something missing, even if it did not necessarily belong here. But it belongs in Riku's life, and that is enough, and he needs to fill up the hole left by its loss. "No. It's great. Really, it is. But… there's just something I still have to do." He turns to the king. "Your Majesty, can I borrow your ship?"

Everyone looks confused. Everyone, at least, except Kairi, and Riku finds himself grinning foolishly at Naminé. She nods slightly as Sora looks at him.

"But Riku," he says. "We finally came back. And you're just going to leave again?"

"Don't worry. I'm coming right back," he assures, looking at his friend. He thinks he can see Roxas. "I just have to-"

Kairi (Naminé) puts a hand on his arm, cutting him off. "You just go on ahead, Riku. I'll explain. Just make sure you bring him back."

"I will," he promises as he waves at the others. As he leaves he can hear Sora ask, "Bring back who, Kairi?"

"Well Sora. Sometimes people do crazy things when they're in love. For example-"

* * *

_"Here," she points at the map that they had taken from the library. "I hear it's a quiet place."_

_He squints at it, trying to decipher the tiny print that indicates its name. "I don't think I've ever heard of it."_

_"Most people haven't. I heard about it from… from Marluxia," Naminé admits. "I think he might have come from there. Before." There is obviously no need to elaborate on that, and he isn't really sure he would have wanted to know the story anyway._

_"But wouldn't that mean he had lost his heart there? If the place is overridden by Heartless…" he thinks about that for a moment. Well. Flaw in that argument. "Okay, so I guess that wouldn't really matter."_

_"It wouldn't. But I think Marluxia's situation had been… special. The world itself is probably free of the darkness."_

_"Would it still be safe, if one if its inhabitants became a member of the Organization?"_

_She nods, "I think so. The way he talked about it, I don't think he told too many people about it. And he definitely wouldn't have told the Superior about it. He hated him too much to do that. Well, as much as he could hate anyone," she amends quietly. Riku puts a reassuring hand on her shoulder, and she smiles at him. "But do you really think you can get there?"_

_"I can take the dark portals. I should have enough power now to take the both of us."_

_"What about after?"_

_"Don't worry," he replies. "I'm not going to just leave him there."_

_"I know." She smiles at him. "And I'm happy for you two. He's good for you, Riku. And I think you're good for him too, as much as he allows you to."_

_He blinks, not quite having expected the conversation to go there. It's another reminder of how different Naminé is from the other Nobodies, and he wonders if maybe that's because she's Kairi's Nobody. "Uh. Thanks, Naminé."_

_"You're welcome. But you should probably go soon. I don't think it's a good idea to let him stay here much longer."_

_"Yeah. Thanks again. I'll be back soon."_

_"Safe journey, Riku."_

* * *

The world is bright and sunny. Judging from the expression on Zexion's face, he absolutely _hates_ it; he probably finds it utterly _deplorable_, and the scowl is enough to make Riku grin as the guy stomps over to him. Bunnies and baby chicks take cover from the impending shit that is about to hit the proverbial fan. Even the sky seems to quiver a little, the clouds rushing away to find other places to occupy, but that just increases the sunniness. 

"You're back." The words that could have been _so_ loving, so _very_ romantic and picturesque, come out as a barely contained snarl.

Oh yeah, he's _pissed_. And Riku has never been happier to see him.

"And you're still here. I thought you would have left."

Zexion shrugs, suddenly looking quite calm again. Apparently it's difficult for him to keep up the semblance of anger too long, no matter the circumstances or how deserving the situation. "And I thought you might have forgotten."

He hadn't really been gone that long, had he? Although maybe time passes a little differently in this world; he can't really be sure. Instead, he decides to point out, "Well if that's the case, then why did you stay?"

"Where else would I have gone? It is not like I have any means of transport."

"Is that the only reason?"

"What other reason do you want, Riku?"

"You can live your own life now," he replies with a slight smirk. "Shouldn't that have counted for something?"

"Are you trying to make a joke?" Zexion growls, but Riku just laughs and pulls him close for a kiss.

It doesn't make him shiver, as it used to. It's still as empty as the last, since the Nobody still lacks a heart. But he's prepared for it now, this coldness, the emptiness of the gesture. Because at least the sentiment—or an attempt at one—is there, and Riku finds that although it is not nearly as much as he wants, he is at this point willing to take what he can get.

"I see you found yourself again," Zexion says after Riku finally breaks away (oxygen is still a limiting factor, it seems). Zexion lets his hand dance across the light skin of his still boyish face before they tangle in his hair. "I do find this face quite preferable to the other."

"So do I. It looks like you were right."

"I usually am."

He laughs. "I missed you." He'd missed _this._

"I wish I could say the same thing," is Zexion's frank response as Riku puts his hands over the other's. Riku frowns but doesn't say anything to that, and Zexion asks, "So what now?"

"Um." After having planned so much and saved a few universes in the meanwhile, it's kinda strange to think that he really, really doesn't have a plan. If anything, he feels like the teenager trying to figure out how to introduce his boyfriend to his parents. Oh wait, that's precisely what he is. Man, this is going to be a little hard to explain, especially after having disappeared for over a year. 'Hi mom, dad. I know I've been gone a while but look what I brought back? Can he stay?' Yeah, he has a feeling that this is going to be a tough sell, but at this point, it doesn't really matter as he screws on a confident grin. "I was thinking we could go back to my place."

"Destiny Islands, you mean." Zexion speaks the name as if testing it for the first time, with the knowledge that it may very well last a lifetime. Riku wonders if Zexion is also picking up on the irony that they may spend the rest of their lives on the islands after that hellish encounter back in Castle Oblivion's memory version. It still feels strange that he can just go back, to live his life in almost normalcy. But with Zexion.

It's a nice thought.

"It will be hot." The observation is said with definite disgust.

"Yep," he affirms.

"Sunny," Zexion adds, more to himself.

"Oh yeah," Riku grins. "But it storms sometimes. Rains a lot too, especially in the spring."

Zexion thinks about this for a few seconds before he says, "Rain is nice."

"I thought you'd like that."

"Well, either way it will be better than this place."

"Yeah," he agrees. "'Cause you'll have me."

Zexion doesn't reply to this, beyond that small smile. And Riku just grins and pulls him close again to kiss him, the warmth of the sun sort of making up for the coldness of those lips.

* * *

Zexion likes to watch the sun rise. 

It's the little things, he explains in an off-hand sort of way. Or at least he starts to explain, but he never really finishes said explanation. His voice just trails off and he looks a little distant, and Riku can't find it in him to try and badger out a better clarification. And honestly, he doesn't really need one. He has a pretty good idea of what it is. After the eternal darkness of the World that Never Was and Castle Oblivion, followed by the never-ending sunsets of Twilight Town… well, suffice to say that if Riku was in his position, he'd also never take sun cycles for granted again.

Still, it would have been nice for a little warning. Riku remembers with vivid clarity the day he woke up to find Zexion not there, and he'd thought—seriously, seriously thought—that Zexion had disappeared. Had gone, left, was never coming back. His freak out had only been interrupted when his mother had come to investigate the sudden screaming, and informed him that his boyfriend was outside watching the sun rise.

It had taken him a moment to comprehend this, the blood rushing to his face. Then after a quick hug and a bellowed thanks, he'd jumped out the window and hightailed it to the cliffs.

Zexion had just given him a 'What the hell?' look when he'd shown up, and Riku had to resist the urge to push the Nobody into the water.

Riku quickly learns that this was not a once-a-time event, but a daily one. Every morning, Zexion slips out of the house to watch the sun rise, and more often than not Riku finds himself following in his example.

The times leading up are never really the same. Sometimes Riku will be groggy and Zexion will try to shove him back to bed, sometimes Zexion will have to forcibly drag him along, sometimes Riku will be as hyper as Sora on too many cups of coffee, and sometimes Sora and Kairi will even join them.

But no matter what happens before, the actual moment is always the same. The sun will rise, the light bathing their faces, and Zexion is always, _always_ silent as Riku reaches over to entwine their fingers together.

As Zexion watches the sun, Riku watches him. Sometimes he wonders if it hurts Zexion's eyes, to stare at the sun so intently. He wonders if Nobodies can go blind. And sometimes his mind wanders to those mundane things, like if Zexion can be persuaded to make eggs or how to convince the guy that black is fine and all, but a little color never hurt anyone.

But most of the time, he thinks about them. That it will never be enough, what they have. That Zexion was right, and he will always want more. For Zexion, Kingdom Hearts was a dream that slipped out of reach, and for Riku… he now understands why it is so important. Why Organization XIII was willing to destroy so much to gain their hearts again. Because as much as he loves the other, as much as he cares… it will never be truly _right._ And Riku knows without a doubt that it will never be enough until Zexion can love him back the way he loves the Nobody. But he knows that such a thing simply is not possible.

He knows that all too well from the way Zexion never really reacts to his gesture, his fingers just resting there as cold as ever. How the kisses never mean anything. How when it comes down to it, Zexion will never truly _feel_ anything for him, no matter how he tries.

But the fact that Zexion tries though… it means so much more than can be explained in mere words. He can never really forget that, no matter how much it still hurts. Because all he has to do is glance over at Zexion, see that small smile of _almost_ blissful content, and…

He too can almost believe that maybe, finally, it will be enough for him one day.

End Notes:

… it's supposed to be kinda sad at the end. Really. Because what else could it have been?

As I said at the beginning, the point of this fic was not as much to explore Riku and Zexion's romantic relationship (which was oddly fun to write), but to show what could have happened in the period between Chain of Memories and Kingdom Hearts II. It's partially why I chose to write all those mundane, domestic details, as well as creating an explanation for how Riku got his very own Organization coat. And not to mention how Riku figured out how to control the darkness by taking Ansem's form, although that wasn't part of my original intent. It just sort of happened.

I did, however, want it to be dark humor. In part because that was just what I wanted to write, in part because I find Riku to be annoyingly emo at times, in part because DiZ is a wee bit psychopathically obsessed, in part because the story ends up almost as a tragedy, despite the fact that Riku gets the, um, boy. Sort of, but not really.

Hopefully you guys enjoyed this fic as much as I enjoyed writing it. Which was really quite a lot because… the characters surprised me. Maybe not Zexion as much, since I have been writing him so much that I'm starting to know him pretty well (what a scary thought)… but Riku, at least. And I wasn't sure how they would get together, but they did and… it never really felt forced. In fact, the argument in chapter three felt more forced than their relationship ever did! Which I guess is good, since the coupling seems pretty cracky….

In the end notes of long stories, I usually like to lay out my future plans, which works better in theory than reality because I never seem to _follow through_. But as of now, I'm wavering between three very different fics:_Crow's Nest_ rewrite, which is Demyx x Zexion snark, a **very** dark Axel x Zexion fic, and the sequel to this fic which will… probably be more dark humor emo-ness. Again. There's also a very small one-shot I have started that will take place during this story—specifically between chapter seven and the finale—but the details of that will have to wait until the sequel is finished posting (laugh). Hopefully I get settled on something sooner than later.

Anyhow, enough of my babbling. Much thanks to you all, especially the White Raven013 and Someone2003 for your very lovely reviews. And much,_much_ adoration to Coffee-Flavored Fate for beta-ing. I am very much obliged.

PM (January 26, 2008)


End file.
